Petey Meets AOC!!!

After nearly being turned into Korean barbecue by the Oscar-winning director Bong Joon Ho, Petey the Pissed-Off Possum steadfastly refused to appear for his scheduled appointment with Tom Cruise. He said Cruise’s house was too close to Hollywood for his taste.

So shaunmoser.com deployed him to back to Washington, D.C. instead. While it’s a safe bet that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi still ‘has it in’ for our star reporter, Petey is confident that he can easily outrun her. (He also says he can smell her coming from a mile away; she smells, he says, like mothballs and formaldehyde.)

We were able to line up an interview with Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY)….

Okay, we’re lying. We couldn’t score an interview with AOC.

It took some doing, but Petey came up with the idea of bribing AOC’s office courier into taking a day off. So Petey – in place of the turncoat courier – brought AOC her daily delivery of pink lipstick and gold hoop earrings.

Here… is Petey’s interview!

Petey: Here’s your package, Ma’am. Sign here, please.

AOC: Like, I actually have to spell my name?

Petey: No Ma’am. Just a simple scrawl will do.

AOC: But I don’t have one of those! Aren’t they made of like, crusty old paper or something?

Petey: That’s a ‘scroll’, Ma’am. A ‘scrawl’ is just a squiggly line.

AOC (making a scrawl across the delivery ticket): Oh, thanks!

Petey (pulling out his microphone): Miss Oca… AOC, might I ask you a few questions?

AOC: About what? I paid for my lipstick and earrings last month!

Petey: Oh, I’m not a bill collector. I’m a reporter for shaunmoser.com, and my boss would like it if I got an interview with you.

AOC: Who’s Shaun Moser?

Petey (sighing): That question’s getting really old! Look, if you give me an interview, I’ll tell Bernie Sanders that he has to back you for president in 2024.

AOC: You have that kind of pull with Bernie?!

Petey: Uh… sure. May we begin?

AOC (un-wrapping a Tide Pellet, and taking a bite out of it): Sure!

Petey: At President Trump’s last speech, you had a rather sour expression. May I ask why?

AOC: What?! I wasn’t sour! I didn’t even eat any lemons!

Petey (rolling his eyes): I mean, you didn’t look very happy. May I ask why?

AOC: Oh! Well, I think the president is a total racist! He doesn’t even want to give undocumented immigrants visas.

Petey: Do you?

AOC: Oh, yes! In fact, I think we need to go even further. I mean, every American has a Visa…

Petey: What do you mean?

AOC: I mean, we should also give them MasterCards! Then they’ll have more purchasing power, see? And the economy will do better.

Petey (holding his head in his hands): Speaking of the economy, how do you plan on explaining to your constituents in the Bronx that you cost the area 25,000 jobs by chasing Amazon.com away?

AOC: HEY! That’s not fair! I brought in the Amazon corporate office! That’s 5,000 jobs, thank you!

Petey: Yes, but 5,000 out of 25,000 is still a net loss of twenty thousand jobs…

AOC (rolling her eyes): Oh, math! I don’t do that. I have an app on my phone for that.

Petey: Do you have any idea how to use it?

AOC: What?

Petey: Nothing, let’s move on. Is there anything interesting happening in your personal life?

AOC: You bet! I’m hitting the campaign trail with Bernie Sanders!

Petey: That’s ‘professional’. I said ‘personal’…

AOC: What?

Petey: IS ANYTHING INTERESTING HAPPENING AMONG YOUR FRIENDS OR FAMILY?!

AOC: Oh, sure. My boyfriend is having plastic surgery soon.

Petey: Riley Roberts? Good for him. It’s about time, too; he’s plug-freakin’ ugly.

AOC: What?! He’s getting my name tattooed on his shoulder. He’ll still look the same!

Petey: Uh… Miss Oca… Ma’am, that’s not plastic surgery. It’s just a tattoo.

AOC: What? But the gun that holds the needle is plastic, isn’t it?

Petey: Miss Oca… Ma’am, have you considered a possible career change?

AOC: Like what?

Petey: Well, you’re pretty. And busty. And you’re a really good dancer! Plus you have this ditzy ‘little-girl’ voice… Have you ever considered a career as a stripper?

AOC: Actually, I have! How did you know?

Petey: Really?!

AOC: Yeah… but I don’t know how to draw.

Petey: What?

AOC (laughing): Well, you can’t make comic strips if you don’t know how to draw, silly!

Petey (groaning): Miss Oca… Ma’am, is there some message you’d like me to convey to America? A ‘mission statement’ of some kind?

AOC: Yes! President Trump is bad.

Petey: Um… Okay… Why?

AOC: He’s a racist.

Petey: You do realize that you might actually be descended from the Spanish conquistador Cortez, right? The man who ended the Aztec Empire, and may have caused the death of thousands of South Americans?

AOC: Oh, that’s not true. I’m from Puerto Rico! So I can’t be related to any Spanish people.

Petey (rolling his eyes): Miss Oca… Ma’am, may I say just one more thing?

AOC: Sure, as long as it doesn’t involve math.

Petey: I HATE YOUR CHEESY LIPSTICK AND YOUR EARRINGS, YOU %$^#ing TWIT!!!

At this point in the interview, our intrepid reporter ducked behind Miss Oca… AOC’s office door; after interviewing California Governor Gavin Newsom, he knew exactly what to expect.

Petey phoned our gara… office as AOC’s head exploded, assuring us that he was okay. We expect him home soon, at which point we will send him somewhere else where he might be killed.

‘Til NEXT time!!!

shaunmoser.com's Belated Oscars Coverage (Uncensored)

On Sunday, February 9th, shaunmoser.com dispatched our reporter – Petey the Pissed-Off Possum – to cover the 92nd Academy Awards, commonly known ‘The Oscars’. We should have released Petey’s coverage way before tonight, but alas Petey lost his tape recorder. (shaunmoser.com can’t AFFORD a digital recorder, okay?!)

We did eventually recover it…

We were initially worried that Petey might have some difficulty accessing the red carpet, but it turned out to be no trouble at all. Ever since Bjork showed up wearing that stuffed swan, it turns out that they’ll let ANYONE in! (The fact that Petey was mistaken multiple times for Steve Buscemi made everything just that much easier.)

Petey was regrettably only able to score one interview, but here… is that interview!

Petey: Okay, people… here they come! All the big stars! Hello? Natalie Portman? A word, please? Mr. Pitt? Ms. Johanssen? Joaquin…?! Hello? Anyone…?!

After a few minutes

Petey:!@#$%!^@

(An unknown attendee) Herro? I talk’a you!

Petey (sighing with relief): Bong Joon Ho, tonight’s big winner! Congratulations on scoring multiple Oscars for directing the South Korean film Parasite! How do you feel?

Bong Joon Ho: Herro! Who’a you?

Petey: I’m a reporter for shaunmoser.com. Do you have time for an interview?

Bong Joon Ho: So solly, I haffa reave. I’a come back. You wait?

Petey: Um… sure…

Bong Joon Ho: I’a come back. You wait, prease!

Petey: Um… okay.

Petey: He must be fetching a translator, folks. I’m told Mr. Bong actually does speak English, but he doesn’t like doing it in public. I just gotta be patient. In the meantime, let’s see if we can catch someone else… MR. DICAPRIO!!! MR. DICAPRIO?!

Leonardo DiCaprio: F*** OFF, YOU TRUMP-LOVING A**HOLE!!!

Petey: What makes you think I love America’s President Trump?!

Leonardo DiCaprio: POSSUMS ARE FROM THE AMERICAN SOUTH, IDIOT! EVERYONE KNOWS YOU SOUTHERN PRICKS LOVE THE ORANGE BAD MAN!!!

Petey: Well SCREW YOU!!! Who cares about an actor named after a damn Ninja Turtle?! And by the way, The Basketball Diaries SUCKED, you @#%!!!

Petey: *pant pant*

Petey: Oh, HERE comes Bong Joon Ho! MR. BONG! MR. BONG…?

Bong Joon Ho: Herro! You come here, prease… Herro?

Petey: Mr. Bong? Uh… Mr. Bong, what’s that? Mr. Bong…?

Bong Joon Ho (advancing): You ho’d stirr, prease…

Petey: Mr. Bong, what are you…?

Bong Joon Ho: You no move, prease…

Petey: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! AAAAUUUUGGGGH!!!!

This interview concluded with Petey running terrified down Hollywood Boulevard. Witnesses reported that Bong Joon Ho was seen chasing after him, waving a meat cleaver and a bottle of Kimchi sauce.

Petey accidentally dropped his tape recorder in front of a strip club, but it was later returned to us by a wonderfully sweet hooker named ‘Tow-Truck Towanda’.

shaunmoser.com would like to extend our deepest thanks to Towanda for her kindness. We would also like to apologize to our faithful reporter, who is now in hiding… and is, apparently, still pretty pissed off.

A shaunmoser.com Exclusive: Petey the Pissed-Off Possum Interviews American House Speaker Nancy Pelosi!

In the wake of American President Donald Trump’s impeachment trial, shaunmoser.com dispatched our long-suffering reporter – Petey the Pissed-Off Possum – to Washington, D.C.

Shaunmoser.com is, unfortunately, barred from both the White House and the Capitol Building for… stuff. But our reporter Petey happens to know about a certain trash can behind the Capitol Building; apparently House Speaker Nancy Pelosi sneaks back there to inject herself with her daily dose of embalming fluid.

All our intrepid reporter had to do… was wait.

Petey: Hello, Speaker Pelosi? Hello? Madam Speaker….?

Nancy Pelosi: AAAAAAUUUUGH!!! I TOOK TOO MUCH AGAIN!!!!

Petey: Madam Speaker? Are you okay?

Nancy Pelosi (dropping her hypodermic syringe in a blind panic): They SAID hallucinations were a possible side effect!!! I think I’m talking to a RAT!!!

Petey: I’m not a rat, Madam Speaker; I’m a possum. And also a reporter.

Nancy Pelosi (looking around): I’m not talking to you!

Petey (lowering his phone and turning off the ‘camera’ application): That’s fine. I can always release this photo, and tell everyone you were shooting up heroin

Nancy Pelosi: WHAT?! I’LL KILL YOU, YOU LITTLE…

Petey: I’m pretty sure I can outrun you, Madam Speaker, and I can probably do it without breaking my hip. You can either give me this interview, or shaunmoser.com’s next headline will read thus: ‘Nancy Pelosi: Public Servant or Incorrigible Smack-Head?’

Nancy Pelosi: You WOULDN’T!!!

Petey: Madam Speaker, I survived California Governor Newsom’s head exploding right in front of me… so I’m pretty sure I can take you! So… may we talk? Or do all five of my readers get to watch you shooting yourself up? Your call, Madam Speaker!

Nancy Pelosi (reluctantly hiding the hypodermic syringe behind her colostomy bag): What do you want to know?

Petey: Well, the readers of shaunmoser.com would like to know…

Nancy Pelosi: Who the hell is Shaun Moser…?

Petey: My boss. Now, Madam Speaker…

Nancy Pelosi: What the hell kinda news network hires a rat?!

Petey (sighing): A bankrupt network, Madam Speaker. And I’m a possum, not a rat.

Nancy Pelosi: So why exactly am I talking to you?!

Petey: Because I have a photo of you shooting what might be heroin, and you can’t catch me with it because you’re older’n Methuselah and you should have retired like, forever ago. May we go on, please?

Nancy Pelosi: Of course. What’s your next question, then?

Petey: Why did you authorize impeachment proceedings against President Donald Trump?

Nancy Pelosi: Because I like impeachments! Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve been slicing them up and putting them on my cereal. They’re way better than blueberries!

Petey: Uh… Madam Speaker, you do realize than an ‘impeachment’ isn’t a type of fruit. Right?

Nancy Pelosi: What? You’re wrong!!!

Petey: Madam Speaker, an ‘impeachment’ is a solemn political proceeding, one intended to remove a sitting American president from office. It is not a fruit!!!

Nancy Pelosi: But Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said it was…

Petey: Speaking of the freshman congress-woman from New York, Madam Speaker… how would you address the accusation that you are letting the radicals run your party? That you’re even letting them dictate your actions?

Nancy Pelosi: That’s RIDICUlOUS!!! How could you even…

At this point in the interview, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez stuck her head through the back door of the Capitol Building. Our reporter recorded the following exchange as he cowered beneath the trash-can lid:

AOC: Nancy? Nancy? Did you pick my laundry up yet?

Nancy Pelosi: No, I didn’t. I’m terribly sorry! Please don’t write any more ‘tweets’ about me!

AOC: Well, hurry up! I need my new skirt for dinner with Bernie Sanders tonight, and I’m all out of clean panties. You’d better leave work early so you’ll get back from the dry cleaners in time…

Nancy Pelosi: I will, I promise! I’m so sorry! Forgive me?

AOC: Only if you get my laundry back well before dinner. If you don’t, I won’t give you any more Tide Pellets to snack on. Got it?

Nancy Pelosi: I understand… Thank you…

At this point our reporter popped out of the trash can.

Petey: Why do you let her treat you like that?

Nancy Pelosi: What? She’s a rising star! The youngest woman ever elected to congress!

Petey: She won with like, eleven percent of the vote in an election that no one cared about. You may want to consider, Madam Speaker, the distinct possibility that AOC is a complete idiot. May we move on, please?

Nancy Pelosi: Mmph, plth yth deo

Petey: Madam Speaker…?

Nancy Pelosi: thdondd…?

Petey: You dropped your teeth, Madam Speaker.

Nancy Pelosi (picking up her teeth and putting them back into her mouth): Of course we can move on! What was your next question?

Petey: Why would you push for impeachment proceedings when you knew there weren’t enough votes in the American Senate to successfully remove President Trump from office?

Nancy Pelosi: What?! But… but Adam Schiff said there were enough votes!

Petey: Uh… no… Everyone knew from the beginning that this was a political stunt. Why’d you actually go through with it?

Nancy Pelosi: Go through with what?

Petey: THE IMPEACHMENT HEARINGS, you moron!!!

Nancy Pelosi: Oh, that. Because I like those in my cereal. They’re way better than blueberries…

At this point our reporter wandered off in disgust.

When he looked back, Nancy Pelosi was un-wrapping a Tide Pellet and singing ‘THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO ‘ROUND AND ‘ROUND…’

Tune in next time, when Petey covers the 2020 Oscars!

Uuhh…

We will release Petey’s Academy Award interviews as soon as we find his tape recorder, which he thinks he may have dropped somewhere between the Hard Rock Café and the Hollywood sign…

Apparently the evening didn’t go well.

shaunmoser.com Interviews California Governor Gavin Newsom

U.S. President Trump’s impeachment trial overshadowed a ground-breaking news item released just this morning: California Governor (and former San Francisco mayor) Gavin Newsom announced that he had completely solved San Francisco’s homelessness problem. He also said that he had turned California’s crumbling economy completely around, and solved its troubling crime issues as well.

Since shaunmoser.com was unable to get press access to President Trump’s trial at the U.S. Capitol Building, we decided to cover the Newsom announcement instead. So we dispatched our favorite reporter, Petey the Pissed-Off Possum, to the governor’s mansion in Sacramento.

Here… is his interview.

Petey: Thank you for meeting with us this morning, Governor Newsom. I especially wanted to thank you for agreeing to be interviewed on such short notice.

Governor Newsom: Well, I was more curious than anything. I mean, who the hell is ‘Shaun Moser’?

Petey: He’s my boss; I used to live in his trash can until it got rust holes in it. Are you ready to begin, Governor?

Governor Newsom: Does this Moser guy pay you?

Petey (laughing): That’s enough about me, Governor! I’m told you actually solved San Francisco’s crippling homeless problem literally overnight! How did you accomplish such a feat?

Governor Newsom: Well, it’s probably an exaggeration to describe San Francisco’s homeless issue as ‘crippling’. The problem wasn’t as bad as it could have been. I’d say San Francisco’s homeless problem was on par with, say, Venezuela’s. Or maybe Cambodia’s, or India’s.

Petey: Um… that’s pretty bad. How did you fix it, and in such a short time?

Governor Newsom: Oh, it was easy! We just legally changed the definition of ‘homeless’ to exclude anyone who lives in a cardboard box, sleeps on a park bench, or spends any time outdoors at all.

Petey: But what about the sanitation issues? Didn’t President Trump threaten San Francisco with sanctions by the Environmental Protection Agency, if they didn’t do something about the homeless people constantly taking dumps on the sidewalk?

Governor Newsom: First of all, let me say this: President Trump is an environmental terrorist, and he has NO business lecturing me on environmental issues!!! I mean, he takes a private jet everywhere…

Petey: I’ve seen photos of you getting out of private jets…

Governor Newsom (waving his hand): These aren’t the jets you’re looking for…

Petey: What…?

Governor Newsom (waving his hand again): You can go about your business…

Petey: Are you stoned…?

Governor Newsom (still waving his hand): Move along.

Petey: Um… Okay. But seriously, how is re-defining ‘homelessness’ away going to get the turds off the sidewalk?

Governor Newsom: Look, it’s the same basic idea as George Bush’s ‘No Child Left Behind’ law. American kids were too dumb to meet our academic standards, so we just lowered the standards. Get it?

Petey: No…

Governor Newsom: Look, it worked, okay? San Francisco doesn’t have a homelessness problem anymore! Can we move on, please?

Petey: You also said you fixed California’s broken economy? How’d you do that?

Governor Newsom: Oh, that was easy. We just raised our taxes again. More money coming into the government means a healthier state, right?

Petey: But businesses are leaving your state because of the taxes! Isn’t that right?

Governor Newsom (waving his hand): These aren’t the businesses you’re looking for…

Petey: Not again

Governor Newsom: You can go about your business…

Petey: Will you stop that please?!

Governor Newsom: Move along…

Petey: So you solved homelessness by re-defining the word, and you solved the problem of businesses fleeing your taxes by raising your taxes. Am I getting this right so far?

Governor Newsom (pulling a crack pipe out of his pocket, and stuffing a rock into the bowl): That’s right!

Petey (choking as Governor Newsom lights up his rock): So what about crime in your state? How did you nip that in the bud?

Governor Newsom (blowing a smoke ring): That was easy, too. We just legalized everything!

Petey (waving away a cloud of smoke): Everything? Rape? Murder? Drug dealing?

Governor Newsom (choking): Yes sir!

Petey: So your gun laws were repealed, too? Your average Californian can now own and carry a firearm for self-defense?

Governor Newsom: WHAT?! ARE YOU INSANE?! NO!!!

Petey: Oh… I see… Um… Governor, I think I’ve taken up enough of your time today. Before we wrap this up, may I ask you one last question?

Governor Newsom (loading a fresh rock into his pipe): Sure, man.

Petey: Governor… what the f*** is WRONG with you?!

Governor Newsom (turning purple): What’s wrong with me?! ME?! You… you… You’re RACIST, that’s what you are! RACIST!!! HATER!!! I’M TOTALLY GONNA ‘DOX’ YOU WHEN I FIND YOUR ADDRESS!!!

Petey: Racist? I’m a possum. And I live in a trash can.

Governor Newsom: YOU… YOU… DISGUSTING EXCUSE FOR A MARSUPIAL!!! I’LL CALL CNN ON YOU!!! I’LL HAVE NANCY PELOSI IMPEACH YOUR FUZZY ASS, YOU…

Petey: Governor, there’s no need for…

Petey: Governor…?

Petey: GOVERNOR?!

This interview was tragically cut short as Governor Newsom’s head exploded.

Our reporter was understandably a bit traumatized by the event, and fled in terror. However, one of Governor Newsom’s staff explained to us that all was well. Apparently Governor Newsom always follows a handy tip given to him by Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, regarding what to do in just such an emergency…

He keeps a box of disposable heads in his office.

Petey could not be reached to write the closing commentary for this interview, although the guy who owns his trash-can residence assures us that he’s still pretty pissed off.

What Happened Here…?!

Didja ever have one of those moments in which you look around, and suddenly feel like you’ve landed on an alien planet?

I went out to run a few errands today, and there was this fellow standing outside the grocery store. He had his hair tied into a bun (what?) and he was sucking on what appeared to be a laser pointer.

Weird, man!

And I gotta watch it when I’m out to dinner. If I order a beer to go with my steak, I have to be very careful as to which brand of brew I select. Simply asking ‘what do you have on draft?’ is likely to result in my being served a glass of malted pine cones. (I’m reasonably certain that ‘IPA’ means exactly what it sounds like: ‘I pee, eh?’)

And where did all the video stores go? There was nothing more fun than browsing the shelves for some weird old title, one that you would never have thought to watch if the video store didn’t happen to have it. And on that note, what happened to video game cartridges? And compact discs? I mean sure, I could listen to any music I want on a digital music service, but what if the service goes down?

What happened to the bookstores? Borders’ is long gone, and Barnes and Noble’s is hanging by a thread. Now I see people reading stuff on these over-sized phones, as though we don’t spend enough time looking at screens as it is.

I went to see Metallica a couple of years back, and I kinda felt like I was doing concert-going all wrong. Apparently you’re not supposed to actually enjoy the concert, see? What you’re supposed to do is spend the entire evening holding your cell-phone over your head. You’ll kinda miss out on jamming to the music, but the point is to have the video… which apparently, must be way more fun than the actual concert itself.

And what’s with this Face-Bollocks thing? Apparently, life events do not count until they are validated on social media. Now, I do agree that Mark Zucker-bot has improved political discourse. It’s very enlightening to read the lengthy threads of reasoned debate. They explore every possible facet of each issue too, those threads; they don’t end until someone gets called a ‘Nazi’, and that’s how you know that the issue du jour has been satisfactorily settled.

It’s nice how social media has made us all more connected. I enjoy walking through throngs of people, each one blissfully unaware of his neighbor’s existence as he stares fixated at his phone. I think Twitter, Instagram, etc. have all helped to create a more cohesive, cooperative society.

On that note, I’m also noticing an uptick in political activism. It’s heartening to see how many young people are engaging in the political battles that shape our social landscape. Blocking traffic and rioting are very, very effective means of persuasively communicating one’s viewpoint, and I expect those tactics to usher in a bright new Utopia any day now.

Media has changed, as well. When I was a kid, it was a royal pain having to sort out which news tidbits were commentary, and which ones were actual reporting. Now that objective reporting has been completely done away with, it’s much easier to digest the news.

There’ve been a lot of changes to the American legal system, too, which was admittedly never that great. Now you just stand trial on Twitter, which completely streamlines the process and totally negates the need for juries.

Yessir! This is the Brave New World, come to life at last!

If anyone needs me, I’ll be hiding under my bed… barricaded behind a pile of CD’s, books, and VHS tapes. I’ll be using my land-line phone to order pizza and soda. I figure I can last under there a while, too. The hipsters won’t be able to get at me because…

Well, everybody knows it’s rude to ‘vape’ indoors, right?

Fashion Magazines: An Investigative Report

I love me some comic books!

I have around 4,000 in my possession, dating all the way back to the sixties. They’re filed in these stack-able plastic boxes, neatly lined up on one side of my hallway. Each box has a number on it, and I have this little notebook with an index of what’s in each numbered box. Every book is in its own plastic sleeve with a backer board in it, and the titles are separated by dividers with labeled tabs.

I am obsessive about how my comics are handled and arranged; even doctors filing medical records aren’t as fastidious as I am.

Which is why I think it’s weird that my wife leaves her fashion magazines lying all over the house. I mean, shouldn’t she take better care of them? Sometimes I even chuck a few just to whittle down the collection, and she doesn’t even notice. But yet she’s always looking at them, and every time we go somewhere she brings one just in case she has to sit and wait for something.

Now – like most men – I have definite ideas about what clothing I think looks good on a woman. And also like most men, I am more interested in how the clothing makes the woman look than the clothing itself…

Thus, I never really understood the fashion industry.

It’s not that I’m a complete barbarian when it comes to things women enjoy. Two of my favorite films are Kate Beckinsale’s Serendipity and Sandra Bullock’s While You Were Sleeping; I’m also a big fan of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice and Elizabeth George Speare’s The Witch of Blackbird Pond, all love stories. Of the novels, novellas, and shorts I’ve written, many are either outright love stories or have romantic sub-plots. I can dig that, I think, because romance is – at the end of the day – a unisex pursuit. Plus I find emotional interaction and drama very fun to write.

On the other hand, I do notice that none of my heroines tend to be fashion-istas; s’weird that I happened to marry one. Seriously.

So I decided to put on my journalist’s cap, and investigate why these magazines hold such fascination for my wife.

I picked up an issue of InStyle; the date under the UPC code said it’s from December of 2018, and the cover features Jennifer Lopez.

It’s very strange, the cover photo. Jennifer Lopez is wearing what appears to be a green curtain, and she’s obviously naked underneath ‘cuz you can see the side of one of her breasts, and her hip. She’s photo-shopped, too; you can tell because virtually all women (especially ones as ‘hippy’ as J-Lo) have these faded stretch marks from their hips widening at puberty, and J-Lo’s are nowhere in sight. Her naked hip just kinda looks like a balloon; maybe the photo-shop guy shouldn’t have fuzzed it so much that he took out her hip bone right along with her stretch-marks.

Why is Jennifer Lopez naked? Did the photographer corner her in her dressing room? And why the curtain? Did she yank it off the window in a panic? Inquiring minds wanna know!

So I opened the cover, expecting to find a table of contents. You know, like National Geographic or Newsweek would have.

Instead of a table of contents, there’s this picture of a pretty brunette holding a bottle. The bottom of the advertisement just says ‘Si’. Across the top it says ‘Georgio Armani’.

What’s ‘Si’? Is it a bourbon? It kinda looks like bourbon from the bottle it’s in, but the ad doesn’t say that. And who the hell is Georgio Armani, anyway? Is he the distiller? His signature is on the opposite page from the ad, kinda like Jim Beam’s signature appears in the whisky ads from my fishing magazines. What exactly is the pretty brunette trying to actually sell me here?!

Next is a jewelry ad; at least I know what they’re peddling. After that comes a two-page ad that simply says ‘Valentino’. There are four women in the ad… or at least, I think they’re women; they’re all a bit on the androgynous side. And who’s Valentino? Do he and Georgio Armani know each other?

The next two-page ad simply says ‘Michael Kors’, and features three very attractive women. Who’s Michael Kors? Is he a pimp? I mean, the picture shows two women in a car like they’re being dropped off, and another woman slipping her shoes back on like she just came out of a cheap motel. You’d figure if this Michael fella were running an ‘escort service’, he’d at least put his phone number on his ad. That’s just common sense.

Finally I said ‘the heck with it’, and flipped ahead to the table of contents… which began on page twenty-eight!!! It’s three pages long, the table, with an ad between each page.

Do you remember when ‘pop-up ads’ were the bane of every computer user’s existence? Thanks to ad blocking programs, they’re mostly a thing of the past. But I know where they all went…

Fashion mags!

So I flipped ahead to some of the feature articles, which is deucedly difficult to do because most of the pages aren’t numbered. (I suppose Georgio the Distiller and Michael the Pimp don’t like competing with page numbers for space.)

Most of the articles, it seemed, featured pictures of celebrities promising that their ‘go-to’ makeup and accessories will make a gal look just like them. Which sounds nice, except for that picture of Margot Robbie wearing a trash bag, and the one of Nina Bobrev (who?) wearing a Halloween costume that was clearly inspired by one of the Chick-Fil-A cows. The weird thing is, the articles didn’t even mention Hefty and Chick-Fil-A. Much like Michael the Pimp omitting his service’s phone number, that’s just sloppy marketing!

Then I ran into the article about Jennifer Lopez. She talks about her butt a lot, and she never does get around to explaining how she wound up wearing that curtain. (Somewhere in the studio, I’m betting there was a very annoyed interior decorator!)

Then I found this page that listed accessories for ‘the Do-Gooder’, whatever that means. At least the page clearly listed the items being sold, and their prices…

Three hundred and sixty dollars for a bathrobe?! Two hundred and seventy-five for a pair of canvas sneakers?! Three hundred for a braided bracelet with a plastic charm on it?!

What the hell?!

As I closed the magazine in horror, I noticed that the back cover featured an ad for Tiffany diamonds. At least they list their website, so you can find their products and stores. (Tiffany’s is, apparently, smarter than Michael the Pimp.)

I threw the magazine onto the floor, just next to the couch (I always put things back where I found them) and then I headed for the hallway…

It was time to go read Batman for a while.