Corona-Virus Explained: A shaunmoser.com Exclusive Report!

During the peak of this ‘Corona Virus’ hysteria, we here at shaunmoser.com made our boldest move ever: We dispatched our star reporter – Petey the Pissed-Off Possum – to ‘Ground Zero’ in Wuhan, China.

As our news staff made its plans in our gara… office, our reporter demanded several ‘perks’ in exchange for placing himself in such danger. First of all, he wanted new batteries for the portable CD player that Ozzy Osbourne gave him. He also wanted a new garbage can, one with a locking lid so that he wouldn’t have to share it with the cat next door.

Finally, he demanded to be made the majority shareholder of shaunmoser.com, a lucrative position that may net him as much as five dollars per quarterly payout.  While we were left reeling from Petey’s steep demands, he nevertheless had us ‘over a barrel’: It is far, far easier to smuggle a rat-like creature into Asia than a human being.

So we outfitted Petey with an old ‘fanny pack’ (which made a handy backpack for him), and some provisions.  Petey also requested a few idiosyncratic items, which we also provided.

We got him as close as we could to China by sending him first to India; we tucked him into a suitcase belonging to an H-1B Visa worker, returning home from Silicon Valley. When he landed in India, Petey had no trouble at all climbing aboard random transports until he reached Wuhan, China. No one in India or China, it seems, is even remotely bothered by the sight of what appears to be a sizable rat.

Finally Petey made his way to the Communist Party headquarters in the city of Wuhan, where he pounded on the door and demanded to speak to the local Communist Party spokesman, Mee Xik Fuk. Much to his surprise, our reporter was graciously ushered in and offered a cup of hot tea by Mr. Mee.

Here… is Petey’s report. Remember, you heard it first HERE, folks!!!

Petey: Thank you for the tea, Mr. Mee. That was very kind of you.

Mee Xik Fuk: You’re welcome, young man, and welcome to the glorious Republic of China. I hope you enjoy your stay.

Petey: Thank you, and thank you for speaking English. I’m not very good at Mandarin, I’m afraid.

Mee Xik Fuk (laughing as he takes a sip of green tea): Oh, you will be soon enough, young man! Everyone will. It’s just a matter of time.

Petey (spooning more sugar into his tea): What do you mean by that, Mr. Mee?

Mee Xik Fuk: Well, you have to have guessed that this ‘Corona Virus’ mess is a ‘takeover play’ by China, right?

Petey (taking a sip of his now high-octane tea):  I’ve heard those theories, yes. Might you elaborate, please?

Mee Xik Fuk: Well, we didn’t dare release the custom-made virus until we’d also engineered the antidote. Have you ever wondered, young man, why we let it ravage Wuhan and yet it never got anywhere near Shanghai or Beijing? We let it run amuck just enough to spark an American Media hysteria, and then we nipped it in the bud. We had the antidote in advance, and we also pre-fabbed sectional buildings so we could show off our ‘preparedness’ by slapping hospitals up overnight.

Petey: So, the COVD-19 virus was made in a lab?!

Mee Xik Fuk: When have you ever heard of a flu bug that’s contagious even without its host showing symptoms? Nearly nine out of ten people don’t display any symptoms; they just think they have a cold. So we needed to ensure that our virus was contagious even when lying dormant.

Petey: Would that explain why North Korea and Russia – your staunch allies – are relatively unscathed?

Mee Xik Fuk: Yes. Not only did we not – at least deliberately – send infected travelers there, we also gave them the antidote. Our points of focus were America, Australia, and the European Union. When they collapse their economies with panicky quarantine measures, it will leave a ‘power vacuum’ that China is poised to fill. Notice that while the American and European stock markets crashed, China’s did not.

Petey: But isn’t this basically still just a flu bug, according to the numbers? Britain is well below its five-year average for respiratory deaths, and Italy’s fatalities are nearly all elderly, or heavy smokers… the usual casualties of influenza. Even in the United States, the numbers are on par with a normal flu outbreak. What made you so sure that the media would incite a mass panic?

Mee Xik Fuk: That’s where the Chinese Communist Party’s staunchest ally, the American Democratic Party, comes in. Read the Democratic Party’s written platform alongside The Communist Manifesto sometime, and you’ll see why we’ve always been such strong allies. That’s why your former President Obama sent a good chunk of your automotive industry over here: That was his quid pro quo for our financial assistance with his ‘stimulus’ package, most of which went to companies who do business in China. We go way back, us Communists and the Democrats!

Petey: So how exactly did the Democrats help you out?

Mee Xik Fuk: The Democrats can direct most of the American Media with a simple phone call, thanks to moguls like Ted Turner and Michael Bloomberg. Media outlets like CNN and MSNBC immediately fall into line, and their tech allies at FaceBook, Twitter, and Google clean up the fallout by censoring dissent. The media’s orders were simple: Inflate the reported number of cases, without ever comparing the case numbers to the overall population figures. Numbers are scary, but percentages are not… so the press was ordered to strictly report the numbers. Also, they reported that anyone who died with the Corona Virus died from the Corona Virus… but there’s a difference. People with ‘multiple morbidity factors’ die from those morbidity factors, and not necessarily from the Corona Virus even though they happen to have it.

Petey: What about conservative media outlets like Breitbart, The Federalist, iPatriot, and TheBlaze? Shouldn’t they be able to balance out a manufactured panic?

Mee Xik Fuk: Young man, those networks are only read by a tiny percentage of Americans: The enlightened few who actually research the truth for themselves. Your average American is a lazy moron who comes home, plunks his fat butt onto the couch, and turns on the television… and there, Ted Turner and Michael Bloomberg reign supreme. Why do you think the Americans are voluntarily shutting down their economy over what would otherwise be ‘business as usual’? Control the media, control the people!

Petey: What does that Democratic Party get out of this?

Mee Xik Fuk: Democrats are desperate to regain power, young man! Barack Obama put America into a coffin, and Hillary Clinton was meant to nail it shut. The rise of President Donald Trump was an unacceptable anomaly to them, one that they’ve been fighting to correct. But the Mueller Report failed, and impeachment failed. This… is ‘take’ number three in their quest to pull down the president!

Petey: Are there other players involved?

Mee Xik Fuk: Yes, there’s the American ‘deep state’: The network of un-elected bureaucrats who pull the strings from behind the scenes. As we speak, Americans are surrendering the following freedoms: Free Speech, Freedom of Assembly, Freedom of Travel, and Freedom from Unreasonable Search and Seizure. President Trump was barely able to preserve the Freedom to Keep and Bear Arms, but even that is subject to local enforcement. And the Americans are meekly submitting to all of it, because they’ve been told that they should be afraid. Rhode Island is hunting down New Yorkers with para-military troops, and Florida has armed enforcers manning ‘checkpoints’. A minister was just arrested for holding a church service, and millions are being threatened with arrest just for exercising their freedom of movement. All of this serves the Deep State’s desire for widespread ‘martial law’.

Petey: Is anyone else involved?

Mee Xik Fuk (with a disturbing grin): There’s the usual culprit, the American Federal Reserve. You know, your central bank that’s neither ‘Federal’ nor has any ‘reserves’. It’s a private, ‘for profit’ entity.

Petey: Right, they’re doing unlimited ‘quantitative easing’ right now, which means they’re printing money like it’s going out of style. What’s that meant to accomplish?

Mee Xik Fuk: The more money you print, the less it’s worth… which means the Americans, in a time of manufactured crisis, will hand over most of their wealth just to survive. Once the American Middle Class is destitute, the Federal Reserve will contract the money supply, so all the money collected by the Corporate Establishment will then be worth exponentially more. In the meantime, the corporations will ‘acquire’ failing small businesses at an alarming rate, further concentrating power. We helped America do the exact same thing in 2008; the American Middle Class lost forty percent of its net wealth, and it’s never gotten it back.

Petey (looking up a quote on his phone): Right. Thomas Jefferson said ‘If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around them will deprive the people of all their property until their children wake up homeless on the Continent their Fathers conquered…’

Mee Xik Fuk: Now you get it! Economic collapse, transfer of power to China, an American police state, and the impoverishment of the world’s greatest republic… and all that from a simple flu bug that the general public should have ignored!

Petey: What do you mean, ‘should have ignored’?

Mee Xik Fuk: I mean the smartest thing your people could have done would have been to tell their leaders to go to hell. No self-quarantine, no restrictions, nothing! They can’t arrest all of you, right? One of your founders said that ‘eternal vigilance is the price of liberty’, and you forgot that. You acted like sheep, blindly obeying when you should have fought… and now you’ll lose everything. You forgot that free men trade lives for liberty, not the other way around. Now, very soon, you’ll be no freer than our people!

Petey: Why are you telling me all this?! This kind of reminds me of a James Bond movie, where the villain spills the beans about his plot just before the end of the story…

Mee Xik Fuk (setting down his tea and opening a desk drawer): Because I don’t intend to let you leave here alive, my fuzzy friend, although it was very nice meeting you.

Petey (pulling something out of his backpack as Mee Xik Fuk pulls something from his desk): What’s that, Sir?

Mee Xik Fuk: A butcher knife, young man. You will fetch a very large sum at our local wet market! Not only are you edible, your tail-bones can be ground up and sold as an aphrodisiac. What’s that?

Petey: A big-ass jar of American moonshine, a toilet-paper wick, and a cigarette lighter. Do you believe in God, Mr. Mee?

Mee Xik Fuk (advancing): Of course not; I’m a Communist

Petey (lighting the wick): Then I guess I won’t wish you ‘Godspeed’, Mr. Mee. Sayonara!!!

Mee Xik Fuk: Sayonara’s JAPANESE, you fool!

Petey (tossing the jar): Whatever. Bye bye!

Our reporter was a little singed, but he escaped mostly unscathed. (Petey has a fair amount of experience fleeing certain doom, so he knew exactly what to do.) He was home safe and sound in a matter of weeks.

We at shaunmoser.com would like to reiterate that this interview is a work of SATIRE, and thus we have no actual knowledge as to why the Communist Party Headquarters of Wuhan burned to the ground. We also have no inside knowledge pertaining to the horrible death of the honorable Mr. Mee Xik Fuk.

We would also like to extend our condolences to Mr. Mee’s family: His lovely wife (Mee Fat Ho), his son (Mee Dip Xit), and his daughter (Mee Ug Li). We wish them all the best for the future, and would like to thank them on Mee Xik Fuk’s behalf for his telling interview!

Petey Meets Bernie Sanders!

As shaunmoser.com desperately searched for a newsworthy item NOT related to the ‘corona virus’ hysteria, our star reporter – Petey the Pissed-Off Possum – came up with a brilliant idea.

With the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee – Joe Biden – in hiding while he receives treatment for his dementia, Petey thought it’d be a good time to visit the second runner-up: Senator Bernie Sanders.

Petey had to wait a while to catch the senator, but he didn’t mind since he was fairly comfortable in his lodgings: The garbage can behind one of Bernie’s palatial homes. But he finally cornered Bernie one night, as the failed candidate snuck out back for a few bong hits. Petey decided to wait until he was good and stoned before popping out of the trash can.

Here… is his interview!

Petey: Mr. Sanders? Hello…?

Bernie Sanders: AAAAAUUUGH!!! I’M GETTING PARANOID AGAIN!

Petey: No, sir, you’re not. I’m Petey, the lead reporter for shaunmoser.com.

Bernie Sanders: Who the hell is…?

Petey (interrupting): If you ask ‘who the hell is Shaun Moser’, I’m gonna hafta bite you, Senator. Seriously. Everybody asks me that question!

Bernie Sanders: What are you doing here?!

Petey: I was hoping for an interview, now that the dust has settled from the Democratic Presidential Primary. Is that okay?

Bernie Sanders (taking a deep hit from his bong): Oh, sure. I’m glad it’s all over, anyway.

Petey: Uh… weren’t you hoping to win the Democratic primary? You know, to run against Donald Trump for the presidency of the United States?

Bernie Sanders: What?! NO! Why would I want that?

Petey: Isn’t the point of running to win?

Bernie Sanders (choking a little): No…

Petey: I don’t follow.

Bernie Sanders (taking another deep hit): Look, kid, it’s like this. I do all these rallies, and lazy, entitled kids pile out of their mothers’ basements to support me because I’m offering them a free ride. I collect millions in campaign donations, and then I tell my media buyer to use that money for campaign ads. Then my media buyer keeps a ten-percent commission for every dollar – or million – we spend.

Petey: Who’s your media buyer?

Bernie Sanders: My wife! Why do you think I have three luxury homes?

Petey: So… you didn’t actually want to be the president? You just wanted the money?

Bernie Sanders: Kid, you have to understand something: I’m no different from those spoiled, greedy morons who support me. I’m a bum, always looking for a handout. The only time I’ve ever had to actually work was when I was the mayor of Burlington, and even then I had my staff do almost everything. I’m all about the fast buck, the easy score. Get it?

Petey: So, do you really believe your own rhetoric? (adopting a mocking New England accent) IT’S THE PHAWMECEUTICAL COMPANIES!!! IT’S THE CAWPORATIONS!!!

Bernie Sanders (giggling as he blows a smoke ring): Hey, that was pretty good!

Petey: Thanks. So do you really believe the ideas you preach?

Bernie Sanders: Of course not. I got my ideas when I read The Communist Manifesto in college, see…

Petey: Yeah, you do sound a lot like Karl Marx.

Bernie Sanders: Right? And when I read it, I said to myself ‘Bernie, this is great!You preach this stuff, and ignorant people will flock to you like flies on shit!’

Petey: That seems kinda… self-serving, doesn’t it?

Bernie Sanders: Oh, sure. But the trick is that you can’t call yourself a ‘Communist’, even if you are one. ‘Democratic Socialist’ sounds better, see? Communism turned the entire twentieth century into a bloodbath of starving poor people, but it sure did work for a lot of powerful men. Mao, Stalin, Castro… those guys knew what they were doing!

Petey: So, you spew a philosophy that’s failed every time it’s been implemented, and you don’t even want to be in charge of things? You’re just in this for the money?

Bernie Sanders (beginning to nod off): I’m afraid so, kid.

Petey: That sounds kind of… well, evil!

Bernie Sanders: Sure it is. But I do have three houses. Do you have three houses?

Petey: No… and I’m beginning to think, Senator, that I should probably bite you right about now.

Bernie Sanders (sounding anxious): Are you carrying the corona virus?

Petey (advancing menacingly): No sir, but I do carry RABIES!

Bernie Sanders: You get away from me, now. Go on, shoo! Scram!

Bernie Sanders: Uh… you’d better go away before I call security…

Bernie Sanders: Mr. Possum…? Mr. Possum?

Bernie Sanders: AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGHHHHH!!!

Bernie Sanders was last seen in the Capitol Building, talking crazy and foaming at the mouth.

Insofar as we know, he has not yet been treated for his rabies (as none of his colleagues noticed any change in his behavior).

‘Til next time!

Petey Meets Joe Biden!!!

After his interview with rock legend Ozzy Osbourne, shaunmoser.com flew our star reporter – Petey the Pissed-Off Possum –  home to America, just in time for the Democratic Party’s ‘Super Tuesday’ primary event.

Petey was lucky enough to score an interview with the presumptive nominee, former American vice president Joe Biden.

Here… is that interview!

Petey: Hello, Mr. Biden. Might I have a word with you?

Joe Biden: Oh, sure. Hi Jill! We’ve been married forever. Why wouldn’t I have a word with you?

Petey: Uhhhh…

Joe Biden (squinting as he adjusts his false teeth): You are Jill, aren’t you? Last time I thought it was you, and then you turned out to be Nancy Pelosi.

Petey: Uh… yeah. I’m Jill Biden, yep! That’s me!

Joe Biden: Thank God. Are you here to protect me from the stage crashers again?

Petey: Um… shouldn’t a man protect his wife from attacks, instead of the other way around?

Joe Biden: Normally, yes. But, you know… #metoo… I didn’t wanna be accused of being part of the patriarchy, you know?

Petey: Sure. Mr. Biden. May I ask how you managed to surge ahead of Bernie Sanders? I mean, he has grassroots support, and you kinda don’t…

Joe Biden: THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO ‘ROUND AND ‘ROUND…

Petey: Will you focus, Mr. Biden? I’m trying to conduct an interview here! Ozzy Osbourne mistook me for an acid trip, and he made more sense than you!!!

Joe Biden: Oh, Ozzy can’t vote. He’s English.

Petey: No kidding, Sherlock. Can you tell me how you plan to beat President Trump in this year’s election?

Joe Biden: Oh, that’ll be easy. Diebold will rig the voting machines in the ‘swing states’.

Petey: They did that in 2016, and Donald Trump still won. So what’s your plan?

Joe Biden: Look, rat… I’m gonna win, okay? I have to, because if Trump wins he’ll go after me for blackmailing the Ukraine into hiring my dumb-ass kid as an ‘energy consultant’.

Petey: Yeah, no kidding. He’ll probably go after former president Obama too, huh?

Joe Biden: Look, kid, knock off the conspiracy theories already, okay?! I’ve seen Obama’s birth certificate myself. It’s written in genuine American crayon, on grade-A construction paper. So just let it go!

Petey (sighing): You have no choice in all of this, do you? You’re gonna get nominated because your rival Bernie Sanders is bat-shit crazy, and if you don’t win you’ll probably go to jail for corruption. Is that right?

Joe Biden (looking anxiously about): What’s going on? Where am I?

Petey: You’re here with me. I’m Petey the Possum from shaunmoser.com, and I’m interviewing you. Are you okay?

Joe Biden (lying on the floor and sucking his thumb): I wanna go home. Where’s my sister Jill? I don’t like you!

Petey (rolling his eyes): Mr. Biden, are you sure you’re able to run for president? You look kinda senile to me…

Joe Biden: THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO ‘ROUND AND…

At this point, our reporter wandered away in disgust.

He decided to attend a local séance, intended to resurrect the ghost of Charlie Manson.

Petey thinks Charlie Manson made more sense than Joe Biden…

A Word with Ozzy Osbourne…

NOTE: This interview contains foul language, and ‘reader discretion’ is advised. At the end of the day, there are some people that simply cannot give a polite interview. We apologize in advance for any offense.

Following his rather mind-numbing encounter with American Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (IDIOT-NY), shaunmoser.com dispatched our star reporter – Petey the Pissed-Off Possum – to Buckinghamshire, England in the hopes of scoring an interview with rock legend Ozzy Osbourne.

Petey arrived feeling rather queasy, since shaunmoser.com shipped him air-freight in a deceptively-labeled Amazon.com shoe-box. But he managed to make his way to Ozzy’s house nonetheless, and took up residence – with his trusty tape recorder – in a tree behind the Ozz-man’s residence.

Poor Petey had to wait through three long days of English winter weather, but at last he shivered his way into an interview upon one lucky late afternoon.

Here… is that interview!!!

Petey (whispering): Ladies and gentlemen, I think I hear Ozzy and Sharon talking inside. They’re sounding louder by the minute, so they must be walking towards us. Are we in luck? Is Ozzy heading our way?

Petey: They sound really loud, actually. Maybe… Are they arguing?

Petey: Whoa, this is getting deafening! They must be heading for the backyard, folks! Here come Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne!

Petey: Hello…?

Petey: Anyone…?!

At this point, Ozzy Osbourne flew backwards through a picture window and landed heavily next to the trash can. Our reporter fled in terror, trying to avoid the flying glass as he scampered further up the tree.

Petey: Mr. Osbourne…? Sir?

Petey: Ozzy…?

Ozzy (blinking as he tries to sit up): Fuck me, man! Bollocks! I didn’t do fuck-all, and she threw me over the fucking telly and out the window anyway!

Petey: Mr. Osbourne, are you okay?

Ozzy (rising and shaking off the broken glass): Who the fuck are you?!

Petey: I’m Petey, from America. I was hoping for an interview with you, if you’d be so kind.

Ozzy (combing the broken glass out of his hair and wiping his spectacles clean): Are you one of my wobbles?

Petey: What’s a ‘wobble’?

Ozzy: That’s wot I call my flashbacks from all the LSD I did in the seventies. You’re a wobble, aren’t you?

Petey: Uh… yeah. Sure. Yep, that’s it! I’m a wobble. Total wobble! Wobbling all over the place, me.

Ozzy: Well, I’ve had worse days on acid, I suppose. I had a long chat with a horse once, I did. He told me to fuck off ‘cos I talked too much.

Petey: Oh, you can talk all you’d like, sir. May I ask you a few quest…?

At this point, a piercing scream blasted through the broken window. Given its resemblance to certain shrill ‘Monty Python’ characters, our reporter assumed that it was Ozzy’s wife Sharon.

Sharon: OZZY, YOU FUCKING WANKER!!! YOU GOT A GIG TOMORROW, YOU BASTARD, SO DON’T FREEZE YOUR FUCKIN’ ARSE OFF!!!

Ozzy: I KNOW I GOT A GIG, YOU FUCKING COW!!! GO GIVE SOMEONE ELSE A LOAD OF FUCKING BOLLOCKS FOR ONCE!!!

Sharon (flinging a jacket through the broken window): PUT THIS ON, YOU DUMB FUCKER!!!

Ozzy: IF I DO, WILL YOU FUCK OFF?!

Sharon: NO, YOU WANKER!!! TAKE THIS, TOO!!! IF YOU CATCH COLD YOU’LL HAVE TO CANCEL YOUR GIG!!!

Ozzy (picking up the tossed coat): THIS IS ENGLAND, YOU DUMB BITCH!!! IT AIN’T FUCKING ANTARCTICA!!!

Sharon: YOU’RE SO FUCKING OLD THAT ENGLAND MAY AS WELL BE ANTARCTICA!!! IF YOU FREEZE, I’M GONNA RESURRECT MY DAD’S GHOST ON YOUR ARSE!!!

At this point, both our reporter and Ozzy Osbourne stood in awkward silence for a few minutes…

Petey: Um… Is she gone?

Ozzy (taking a seat on the back porch): I sure fucking hope so, Wobble! Man, she’s something else when she’s got a bee up her fuckin’ arse.

Petey: Who’s her Dad? You know, the ghost she threatened to resurrect?

Ozzy: Her late dad, Don Arden. Man, talk about a right bastard! Scary fucker, he was.

Petey (shivering with envy as he watches Ozzy don his jacket): Well, Mr. Osbourne, I’d like to…

Ozzy: Call me Ozzy, Wobble. Everyone does, ‘cept my first wife and she don’t count.

Petey: Oh, sure. Ozzy, I’m told you have a new album out. What’s it called?

Ozzy: It’s called Ordinary Man, mate. You came to interview me, and you ain’t listened to it yet?

Petey (climbing down the tree): I’m sorry, Ozzy. I live in a trash can, and I don’t have a stereo. I only know the song Under the Graveyard, and it usually sounds kinda fuzzy. I really like it, though, even when it’s fuzzy.

Ozzy: Oh, I understand. Music always sounded fuzzy to me when I was drunk!

Petey: Oh no, it’s never that I’m drunk. I only get to listen to music when I travel, see… and then the music sounds fuzzy ‘cuz everybody makes me ride in the trunk.

Ozzy: That’s the saddest shit I ever heard, mate! Why do people make you ride in the fucking trunk?!

Petey: Probably because I usually smell like a trash can…

Ozzy: That ain’t shit, mate! Everyone smells a bit dodgy now and then, you know? You should have smelled me when I was in my old band, Black Sabbath. And that wasn’t shit compared to when I lived in Aston, and I had to take the bus home from the fucking slaughterhouse!

Petey: You and I actually met once, by the way… sort of. On Black Sabbath’s Reunion tour.

Ozzy: Really? What row were you sitting in?

Petey: Uh… I was in the dumpster behind the rear entrance.

Ozzy: So how’d we meet, Wobble?

Petey: You threw up on me.

Ozzy: I’m sorry, mate!

Petey: And then you tossed in a soiled garment. It smelled like pee, and…

Ozzy: Oh, I must have shit myself again. SO sorry, mate! Those were rough days, man. I’m doing much better now.

Petey: It’s okay. So… about Ordinary Man? What thoughts were you trying to convey with this record?

Ozzy: Well, this may very well be my last record. I have Parkinson’s disease, you know, and I blew my back out on the last tour. No one lives forever, mate… not even an indestructible old fucker like me.

Petey: So what last message are you trying to leave behind? I mean, if this is your last album.

Ozzy: Cherish your good memories, man. And write your bad ones off like a load of bollocks, you know? Everyone fucks up sometimes. That’s it, man. That’s all I got. This ain’t much of an interview, but here it is.

Petey (shivering): I think this is a great interview, Ozzy. Thank you…

Ozzy: You look cold, Wobble…

Petey (sneezing): Yeah… I’m not from around here. It’s a bit warmer in my neck of the woods.

Ozzy (picking up the coat lying on the ground, and patting the porch step): Why don’t you come up here, mate? Warm up a bit? You may just be a wobble, but even a fucking wobble don’t deserve to freeze to death.

Petey (climbing into Ozzy’s coat and tucking himself inside it): Thank you so much, Ozzy. I’m very grateful.

Ozzy: You’re welcome, Wobble. It was nice meeting you.

Petey: So what do you like to do on an evening like this? A man like you, who’s lived such an epic life?

Ozzy (leaning back against the topmost step): Well, Wobble… I think sometimes it’s just nice to watch the sun set, you know? Sometimes an old bastard just wants to sit and imagine what tomorrow might be like.

Petey (sounding sleepy as he settles into Ozzy’s coat): That sounds nice. Sunsets are always a good time…

Ozzy: Yes, Wobble. Yes, they are.

Our reporter woke up late that night, still swaddled in Ozzy’s coat.

Sitting next to him was a nineties-style portable CD player, and a signed copy of Ozzy’s ‘Ordinary Man’. Our reporter will undoubtedly soon be straining shaunmoser.com’s budget looking for new batteries.

And after a few minutes’ worth of conscience pangs…

Petey decided to swipe the coat, too.

Petey Meets AOC!!!

After nearly being turned into Korean barbecue by the Oscar-winning director Bong Joon Ho, Petey the Pissed-Off Possum steadfastly refused to appear for his scheduled appointment with Tom Cruise. He said Cruise’s house was too close to Hollywood for his taste.

So shaunmoser.com deployed him to back to Washington, D.C. instead. While it’s a safe bet that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi still ‘has it in’ for our star reporter, Petey is confident that he can easily outrun her. (He also says he can smell her coming from a mile away; she smells, he says, like mothballs and formaldehyde.)

We were able to line up an interview with Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY)….

Okay, we’re lying. We couldn’t score an interview with AOC.

It took some doing, but Petey came up with the idea of bribing AOC’s office courier into taking a day off. So Petey – in place of the turncoat courier – brought AOC her daily delivery of pink lipstick and gold hoop earrings.

Here… is Petey’s interview!

Petey: Here’s your package, Ma’am. Sign here, please.

AOC: Like, I actually have to spell my name?

Petey: No Ma’am. Just a simple scrawl will do.

AOC: But I don’t have one of those! Aren’t they made of like, crusty old paper or something?

Petey: That’s a ‘scroll’, Ma’am. A ‘scrawl’ is just a squiggly line.

AOC (making a scrawl across the delivery ticket): Oh, thanks!

Petey (pulling out his microphone): Miss Oca… AOC, might I ask you a few questions?

AOC: About what? I paid for my lipstick and earrings last month!

Petey: Oh, I’m not a bill collector. I’m a reporter for shaunmoser.com, and my boss would like it if I got an interview with you.

AOC: Who’s Shaun Moser?

Petey (sighing): That question’s getting really old! Look, if you give me an interview, I’ll tell Bernie Sanders that he has to back you for president in 2024.

AOC: You have that kind of pull with Bernie?!

Petey: Uh… sure. May we begin?

AOC (un-wrapping a Tide Pellet, and taking a bite out of it): Sure!

Petey: At President Trump’s last speech, you had a rather sour expression. May I ask why?

AOC: What?! I wasn’t sour! I didn’t even eat any lemons!

Petey (rolling his eyes): I mean, you didn’t look very happy. May I ask why?

AOC: Oh! Well, I think the president is a total racist! He doesn’t even want to give undocumented immigrants visas.

Petey: Do you?

AOC: Oh, yes! In fact, I think we need to go even further. I mean, every American has a Visa…

Petey: What do you mean?

AOC: I mean, we should also give them MasterCards! Then they’ll have more purchasing power, see? And the economy will do better.

Petey (holding his head in his hands): Speaking of the economy, how do you plan on explaining to your constituents in the Bronx that you cost the area 25,000 jobs by chasing Amazon.com away?

AOC: HEY! That’s not fair! I brought in the Amazon corporate office! That’s 5,000 jobs, thank you!

Petey: Yes, but 5,000 out of 25,000 is still a net loss of twenty thousand jobs…

AOC (rolling her eyes): Oh, math! I don’t do that. I have an app on my phone for that.

Petey: Do you have any idea how to use it?

AOC: What?

Petey: Nothing, let’s move on. Is there anything interesting happening in your personal life?

AOC: You bet! I’m hitting the campaign trail with Bernie Sanders!

Petey: That’s ‘professional’. I said ‘personal’…

AOC: What?

Petey: IS ANYTHING INTERESTING HAPPENING AMONG YOUR FRIENDS OR FAMILY?!

AOC: Oh, sure. My boyfriend is having plastic surgery soon.

Petey: Riley Roberts? Good for him. It’s about time, too; he’s plug-freakin’ ugly.

AOC: What?! He’s getting my name tattooed on his shoulder. He’ll still look the same!

Petey: Uh… Miss Oca… Ma’am, that’s not plastic surgery. It’s just a tattoo.

AOC: What? But the gun that holds the needle is plastic, isn’t it?

Petey: Miss Oca… Ma’am, have you considered a possible career change?

AOC: Like what?

Petey: Well, you’re pretty. And busty. And you’re a really good dancer! Plus you have this ditzy ‘little-girl’ voice… Have you ever considered a career as a stripper?

AOC: Actually, I have! How did you know?

Petey: Really?!

AOC: Yeah… but I don’t know how to draw.

Petey: What?

AOC (laughing): Well, you can’t make comic strips if you don’t know how to draw, silly!

Petey (groaning): Miss Oca… Ma’am, is there some message you’d like me to convey to America? A ‘mission statement’ of some kind?

AOC: Yes! President Trump is bad.

Petey: Um… Okay… Why?

AOC: He’s a racist.

Petey: You do realize that you might actually be descended from the Spanish conquistador Cortez, right? The man who ended the Aztec Empire, and may have caused the death of thousands of South Americans?

AOC: Oh, that’s not true. I’m from Puerto Rico! So I can’t be related to any Spanish people.

Petey (rolling his eyes): Miss Oca… Ma’am, may I say just one more thing?

AOC: Sure, as long as it doesn’t involve math.

Petey: I HATE YOUR CHEESY LIPSTICK AND YOUR EARRINGS, YOU %$^#ing TWIT!!!

At this point in the interview, our intrepid reporter ducked behind Miss Oca… AOC’s office door; after interviewing California Governor Gavin Newsom, he knew exactly what to expect.

Petey phoned our gara… office as AOC’s head exploded, assuring us that he was okay. We expect him home soon, at which point we will send him somewhere else where he might be killed.

‘Til NEXT time!!!

shaunmoser.com’s Belated Oscars Coverage (Uncensored)

On Sunday, February 9th, shaunmoser.com dispatched our reporter – Petey the Pissed-Off Possum – to cover the 92nd Academy Awards, commonly known ‘The Oscars’. We should have released Petey’s coverage way before tonight, but alas Petey lost his tape recorder. (shaunmoser.com can’t AFFORD a digital recorder, okay?!)

We did eventually recover it…

We were initially worried that Petey might have some difficulty accessing the red carpet, but it turned out to be no trouble at all. Ever since Bjork showed up wearing that stuffed swan, it turns out that they’ll let ANYONE in! (The fact that Petey was mistaken multiple times for Steve Buscemi made everything just that much easier.)

Petey was regrettably only able to score one interview, but here… is that interview!

Petey: Okay, people… here they come! All the big stars! Hello? Natalie Portman? A word, please? Mr. Pitt? Ms. Johanssen? Joaquin…?! Hello? Anyone…?!

After a few minutes

Petey:!@#$%!^@

(An unknown attendee) Herro? I talk’a you!

Petey (sighing with relief): Bong Joon Ho, tonight’s big winner! Congratulations on scoring multiple Oscars for directing the South Korean film Parasite! How do you feel?

Bong Joon Ho: Herro! Who’a you?

Petey: I’m a reporter for shaunmoser.com. Do you have time for an interview?

Bong Joon Ho: So solly, I haffa reave. I’a come back. You wait?

Petey: Um… sure…

Bong Joon Ho: I’a come back. You wait, prease!

Petey: Um… okay.

Petey: He must be fetching a translator, folks. I’m told Mr. Bong actually does speak English, but he doesn’t like doing it in public. I just gotta be patient. In the meantime, let’s see if we can catch someone else… MR. DICAPRIO!!! MR. DICAPRIO?!

Leonardo DiCaprio: F*** OFF, YOU TRUMP-LOVING A**HOLE!!!

Petey: What makes you think I love America’s President Trump?!

Leonardo DiCaprio: POSSUMS ARE FROM THE AMERICAN SOUTH, IDIOT! EVERYONE KNOWS YOU SOUTHERN PRICKS LOVE THE ORANGE BAD MAN!!!

Petey: Well SCREW YOU!!! Who cares about an actor named after a damn Ninja Turtle?! And by the way, The Basketball Diaries SUCKED, you @#%!!!

Petey: *pant pant*

Petey: Oh, HERE comes Bong Joon Ho! MR. BONG! MR. BONG…?

Bong Joon Ho: Herro! You come here, prease… Herro?

Petey: Mr. Bong? Uh… Mr. Bong, what’s that? Mr. Bong…?

Bong Joon Ho (advancing): You ho’d stirr, prease…

Petey: Mr. Bong, what are you…?

Bong Joon Ho: You no move, prease…

Petey: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! AAAAUUUUGGGGH!!!!

This interview concluded with Petey running terrified down Hollywood Boulevard. Witnesses reported that Bong Joon Ho was seen chasing after him, waving a meat cleaver and a bottle of Kimchi sauce.

Petey accidentally dropped his tape recorder in front of a strip club, but it was later returned to us by a wonderfully sweet hooker named ‘Tow-Truck Towanda’.

shaunmoser.com would like to extend our deepest thanks to Towanda for her kindness. We would also like to apologize to our faithful reporter, who is now in hiding… and is, apparently, still pretty pissed off.

A shaunmoser.com Exclusive: Petey the Pissed-Off Possum Interviews American House Speaker Nancy Pelosi!

In the wake of American President Donald Trump’s impeachment trial, shaunmoser.com dispatched our long-suffering reporter – Petey the Pissed-Off Possum – to Washington, D.C.

Shaunmoser.com is, unfortunately, barred from both the White House and the Capitol Building for… stuff. But our reporter Petey happens to know about a certain trash can behind the Capitol Building; apparently House Speaker Nancy Pelosi sneaks back there to inject herself with her daily dose of embalming fluid.

All our intrepid reporter had to do… was wait.

Petey: Hello, Speaker Pelosi? Hello? Madam Speaker….?

Nancy Pelosi: AAAAAAUUUUGH!!! I TOOK TOO MUCH AGAIN!!!!

Petey: Madam Speaker? Are you okay?

Nancy Pelosi (dropping her hypodermic syringe in a blind panic): They SAID hallucinations were a possible side effect!!! I think I’m talking to a RAT!!!

Petey: I’m not a rat, Madam Speaker; I’m a possum. And also a reporter.

Nancy Pelosi (looking around): I’m not talking to you!

Petey (lowering his phone and turning off the ‘camera’ application): That’s fine. I can always release this photo, and tell everyone you were shooting up heroin

Nancy Pelosi: WHAT?! I’LL KILL YOU, YOU LITTLE…

Petey: I’m pretty sure I can outrun you, Madam Speaker, and I can probably do it without breaking my hip. You can either give me this interview, or shaunmoser.com’s next headline will read thus: ‘Nancy Pelosi: Public Servant or Incorrigible Smack-Head?’

Nancy Pelosi: You WOULDN’T!!!

Petey: Madam Speaker, I survived California Governor Newsom’s head exploding right in front of me… so I’m pretty sure I can take you! So… may we talk? Or do all five of my readers get to watch you shooting yourself up? Your call, Madam Speaker!

Nancy Pelosi (reluctantly hiding the hypodermic syringe behind her colostomy bag): What do you want to know?

Petey: Well, the readers of shaunmoser.com would like to know…

Nancy Pelosi: Who the hell is Shaun Moser…?

Petey: My boss. Now, Madam Speaker…

Nancy Pelosi: What the hell kinda news network hires a rat?!

Petey (sighing): A bankrupt network, Madam Speaker. And I’m a possum, not a rat.

Nancy Pelosi: So why exactly am I talking to you?!

Petey: Because I have a photo of you shooting what might be heroin, and you can’t catch me with it because you’re older’n Methuselah and you should have retired like, forever ago. May we go on, please?

Nancy Pelosi: Of course. What’s your next question, then?

Petey: Why did you authorize impeachment proceedings against President Donald Trump?

Nancy Pelosi: Because I like impeachments! Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve been slicing them up and putting them on my cereal. They’re way better than blueberries!

Petey: Uh… Madam Speaker, you do realize than an ‘impeachment’ isn’t a type of fruit. Right?

Nancy Pelosi: What? You’re wrong!!!

Petey: Madam Speaker, an ‘impeachment’ is a solemn political proceeding, one intended to remove a sitting American president from office. It is not a fruit!!!

Nancy Pelosi: But Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said it was…

Petey: Speaking of the freshman congress-woman from New York, Madam Speaker… how would you address the accusation that you are letting the radicals run your party? That you’re even letting them dictate your actions?

Nancy Pelosi: That’s RIDICUlOUS!!! How could you even…

At this point in the interview, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez stuck her head through the back door of the Capitol Building. Our reporter recorded the following exchange as he cowered beneath the trash-can lid:

AOC: Nancy? Nancy? Did you pick my laundry up yet?

Nancy Pelosi: No, I didn’t. I’m terribly sorry! Please don’t write any more ‘tweets’ about me!

AOC: Well, hurry up! I need my new skirt for dinner with Bernie Sanders tonight, and I’m all out of clean panties. You’d better leave work early so you’ll get back from the dry cleaners in time…

Nancy Pelosi: I will, I promise! I’m so sorry! Forgive me?

AOC: Only if you get my laundry back well before dinner. If you don’t, I won’t give you any more Tide Pellets to snack on. Got it?

Nancy Pelosi: I understand… Thank you…

At this point our reporter popped out of the trash can.

Petey: Why do you let her treat you like that?

Nancy Pelosi: What? She’s a rising star! The youngest woman ever elected to congress!

Petey: She won with like, eleven percent of the vote in an election that no one cared about. You may want to consider, Madam Speaker, the distinct possibility that AOC is a complete idiot. May we move on, please?

Nancy Pelosi: Mmph, plth yth deo

Petey: Madam Speaker…?

Nancy Pelosi: thdondd…?

Petey: You dropped your teeth, Madam Speaker.

Nancy Pelosi (picking up her teeth and putting them back into her mouth): Of course we can move on! What was your next question?

Petey: Why would you push for impeachment proceedings when you knew there weren’t enough votes in the American Senate to successfully remove President Trump from office?

Nancy Pelosi: What?! But… but Adam Schiff said there were enough votes!

Petey: Uh… no… Everyone knew from the beginning that this was a political stunt. Why’d you actually go through with it?

Nancy Pelosi: Go through with what?

Petey: THE IMPEACHMENT HEARINGS, you moron!!!

Nancy Pelosi: Oh, that. Because I like those in my cereal. They’re way better than blueberries…

At this point our reporter wandered off in disgust.

When he looked back, Nancy Pelosi was un-wrapping a Tide Pellet and singing ‘THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO ‘ROUND AND ‘ROUND…’

Tune in next time, when Petey covers the 2020 Oscars!

Uuhh…

We will release Petey’s Academy Award interviews as soon as we find his tape recorder, which he thinks he may have dropped somewhere between the Hard Rock Café and the Hollywood sign…

Apparently the evening didn’t go well.