During the peak of this ‘Corona Virus’ hysteria, we here at shaunmoser.com made our boldest move ever: We dispatched our star reporter – Petey the Pissed-Off Possum – to ‘Ground Zero’ in Wuhan, China.
As our news staff made its plans in our gara… office, our reporter demanded several ‘perks’ in exchange for placing himself in such danger. First of all, he wanted new batteries for the portable CD player that Ozzy Osbourne gave him. He also wanted a new garbage can, one with a locking lid so that he wouldn’t have to share it with the cat next door.
Finally, he demanded to be made the majority shareholder of shaunmoser.com, a lucrative position that may net him as much as five dollars per quarterly payout. While we were left reeling from Petey’s steep demands, he nevertheless had us ‘over a barrel’: It is far, far easier to smuggle a rat-like creature into Asia than a human being.
So we outfitted Petey with an old ‘fanny pack’ (which made a handy backpack for him), and some provisions. Petey also requested a few idiosyncratic items, which we also provided.
We got him as close as we could to China by sending him first to India; we tucked him into a suitcase belonging to an H-1B Visa worker, returning home from Silicon Valley. When he landed in India, Petey had no trouble at all climbing aboard random transports until he reached Wuhan, China. No one in India or China, it seems, is even remotely bothered by the sight of what appears to be a sizable rat.
Finally Petey made his way to the Communist Party headquarters in the city of Wuhan, where he pounded on the door and demanded to speak to the local Communist Party spokesman, Mee Xik Fuk. Much to his surprise, our reporter was graciously ushered in and offered a cup of hot tea by Mr. Mee.
Here… is Petey’s report. Remember, you heard it first HERE, folks!!!
Petey: Thank you for the tea, Mr. Mee. That was very kind of you.
Mee Xik Fuk: You’re welcome, young man, and welcome to the glorious Republic of China. I hope you enjoy your stay.
Petey: Thank you, and thank you for speaking English. I’m not very good at Mandarin, I’m afraid.
Mee Xik Fuk (laughing as he takes a sip of green tea): Oh, you will be soon enough, young man! Everyone will. It’s just a matter of time.
Petey (spooning more sugar into his tea): What do you mean by that, Mr. Mee?
Mee Xik Fuk: Well, you have to have guessed that this ‘Corona Virus’ mess is a ‘takeover play’ by China, right?
Petey (taking a sip of his now high-octane tea): I’ve heard those theories, yes. Might you elaborate, please?
Mee Xik Fuk: Well, we didn’t dare release the custom-made virus until we’d also engineered the antidote. Have you ever wondered, young man, why we let it ravage Wuhan and yet it never got anywhere near Shanghai or Beijing? We let it run amuck just enough to spark an American Media hysteria, and then we nipped it in the bud. We had the antidote in advance, and we also pre-fabbed sectional buildings so we could show off our ‘preparedness’ by slapping hospitals up overnight.
Petey: So, the COVD-19 virus was made in a lab?!
Mee Xik Fuk: When have you ever heard of a flu bug that’s contagious even without its host showing symptoms? Nearly nine out of ten people don’t display any symptoms; they just think they have a cold. So we needed to ensure that our virus was contagious even when lying dormant.
Petey: Would that explain why North Korea and Russia – your staunch allies – are relatively unscathed?
Mee Xik Fuk: Yes. Not only did we not – at least deliberately – send infected travelers there, we also gave them the antidote. Our points of focus were America, Australia, and the European Union. When they collapse their economies with panicky quarantine measures, it will leave a ‘power vacuum’ that China is poised to fill. Notice that while the American and European stock markets crashed, China’s did not.
Petey: But isn’t this basically still just a flu bug, according to the numbers? Britain is well below its five-year average for respiratory deaths, and Italy’s fatalities are nearly all elderly, or heavy smokers… the usual casualties of influenza. Even in the United States, the numbers are on par with a normal flu outbreak. What made you so sure that the media would incite a mass panic?
Mee Xik Fuk: That’s where the Chinese Communist Party’s staunchest ally, the American Democratic Party, comes in. Read the Democratic Party’s written platform alongside The Communist Manifesto sometime, and you’ll see why we’ve always been such strong allies. That’s why your former President Obama sent a good chunk of your automotive industry over here: That was his quid pro quo for our financial assistance with his ‘stimulus’ package, most of which went to companies who do business in China. We go way back, us Communists and the Democrats!
Petey: So how exactly did the Democrats help you out?
Mee Xik Fuk: The Democrats can direct most of the American Media with a simple phone call, thanks to moguls like Ted Turner and Michael Bloomberg. Media outlets like CNN and MSNBC immediately fall into line, and their tech allies at FaceBook, Twitter, and Google clean up the fallout by censoring dissent. The media’s orders were simple: Inflate the reported number of cases, without ever comparing the case numbers to the overall population figures. Numbers are scary, but percentages are not… so the press was ordered to strictly report the numbers. Also, they reported that anyone who died with the Corona Virus died from the Corona Virus… but there’s a difference. People with ‘multiple morbidity factors’ die from those morbidity factors, and not necessarily from the Corona Virus even though they happen to have it.
Petey: What about conservative media outlets like Breitbart, The Federalist, iPatriot, and TheBlaze? Shouldn’t they be able to balance out a manufactured panic?
Mee Xik Fuk: Young man, those networks are only read by a tiny percentage of Americans: The enlightened few who actually research the truth for themselves. Your average American is a lazy moron who comes home, plunks his fat butt onto the couch, and turns on the television… and there, Ted Turner and Michael Bloomberg reign supreme. Why do you think the Americans are voluntarily shutting down their economy over what would otherwise be ‘business as usual’? Control the media, control the people!
Petey: What does that Democratic Party get out of this?
Mee Xik Fuk: Democrats are desperate to regain power, young man! Barack Obama put America into a coffin, and Hillary Clinton was meant to nail it shut. The rise of President Donald Trump was an unacceptable anomaly to them, one that they’ve been fighting to correct. But the Mueller Report failed, and impeachment failed. This… is ‘take’ number three in their quest to pull down the president!
Petey: Are there other players involved?
Mee Xik Fuk: Yes, there’s the American ‘deep state’: The network of un-elected bureaucrats who pull the strings from behind the scenes. As we speak, Americans are surrendering the following freedoms: Free Speech, Freedom of Assembly, Freedom of Travel, and Freedom from Unreasonable Search and Seizure. President Trump was barely able to preserve the Freedom to Keep and Bear Arms, but even that is subject to local enforcement. And the Americans are meekly submitting to all of it, because they’ve been told that they should be afraid. Rhode Island is hunting down New Yorkers with para-military troops, and Florida has armed enforcers manning ‘checkpoints’. A minister was just arrested for holding a church service, and millions are being threatened with arrest just for exercising their freedom of movement. All of this serves the Deep State’s desire for widespread ‘martial law’.
Petey: Is anyone else involved?
Mee Xik Fuk (with a disturbing grin): There’s the usual culprit, the American Federal Reserve. You know, your central bank that’s neither ‘Federal’ nor has any ‘reserves’. It’s a private, ‘for profit’ entity.
Petey: Right, they’re doing unlimited ‘quantitative easing’ right now, which means they’re printing money like it’s going out of style. What’s that meant to accomplish?
Mee Xik Fuk: The more money you print, the less it’s worth… which means the Americans, in a time of manufactured crisis, will hand over most of their wealth just to survive. Once the American Middle Class is destitute, the Federal Reserve will contract the money supply, so all the money collected by the Corporate Establishment will then be worth exponentially more. In the meantime, the corporations will ‘acquire’ failing small businesses at an alarming rate, further concentrating power. We helped America do the exact same thing in 2008; the American Middle Class lost forty percent of its net wealth, and it’s never gotten it back.
Petey (looking up a quote on his phone): Right. Thomas Jefferson said ‘If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around them will deprive the people of all their property until their children wake up homeless on the Continent their Fathers conquered…’
Mee Xik Fuk: Now you get it! Economic collapse, transfer of power to China, an American police state, and the impoverishment of the world’s greatest republic… and all that from a simple flu bug that the general public should have ignored!
Petey: What do you mean, ‘should have ignored’?
Mee Xik Fuk: I mean the smartest thing your people could have done would have been to tell their leaders to go to hell. No self-quarantine, no restrictions, nothing! They can’t arrest all of you, right? One of your founders said that ‘eternal vigilance is the price of liberty’, and you forgot that. You acted like sheep, blindly obeying when you should have fought… and now you’ll lose everything. You forgot that free men trade lives for liberty, not the other way around. Now, very soon, you’ll be no freer than our people!
Petey: Why are you telling me all this?! This kind of reminds me of a James Bond movie, where the villain spills the beans about his plot just before the end of the story…
Mee Xik Fuk (setting down his tea and opening a desk drawer): Because I don’t intend to let you leave here alive, my fuzzy friend, although it was very nice meeting you.
Petey (pulling something out of his backpack as Mee Xik Fuk pulls something from his desk): What’s that, Sir?
Mee Xik Fuk: A butcher knife, young man. You will fetch a very large sum at our local wet market! Not only are you edible, your tail-bones can be ground up and sold as an aphrodisiac. What’s that?
Petey: A big-ass jar of American moonshine, a toilet-paper wick, and a cigarette lighter. Do you believe in God, Mr. Mee?
Mee Xik Fuk (advancing): Of course not; I’m a Communist…
Petey (lighting the wick): Then I guess I won’t wish you ‘Godspeed’, Mr. Mee. Sayonara!!!
Mee Xik Fuk: Sayonara’s JAPANESE, you fool!
Petey (tossing the jar): Whatever. Bye bye!
Our reporter was a little singed, but he escaped mostly unscathed. (Petey has a fair amount of experience fleeing certain doom, so he knew exactly what to do.) He was home safe and sound in a matter of weeks.
We at shaunmoser.com would like to reiterate that this interview is a work of SATIRE, and thus we have no actual knowledge as to why the Communist Party Headquarters of Wuhan burned to the ground. We also have no inside knowledge pertaining to the horrible death of the honorable Mr. Mee Xik Fuk.
We would also like to extend our condolences to Mr. Mee’s family: His lovely wife (Mee Fat Ho), his son (Mee Dip Xit), and his daughter (Mee Ug Li). We wish them all the best for the future, and would like to thank them on Mee Xik Fuk’s behalf for his telling interview!