Corona-Virus Explained: A Exclusive Report!

During the peak of this ‘Corona Virus’ hysteria, we here at made our boldest move ever: We dispatched our star reporter – Petey the Pissed-Off Possum – to ‘Ground Zero’ in Wuhan, China.

As our news staff made its plans in our gara… office, our reporter demanded several ‘perks’ in exchange for placing himself in such danger. First of all, he wanted new batteries for the portable CD player that Ozzy Osbourne gave him. He also wanted a new garbage can, one with a locking lid so that he wouldn’t have to share it with the cat next door.

Finally, he demanded to be made the majority shareholder of, a lucrative position that may net him as much as five dollars per quarterly payout.  While we were left reeling from Petey’s steep demands, he nevertheless had us ‘over a barrel’: It is far, far easier to smuggle a rat-like creature into Asia than a human being.

So we outfitted Petey with an old ‘fanny pack’ (which made a handy backpack for him), and some provisions.  Petey also requested a few idiosyncratic items, which we also provided.

We got him as close as we could to China by sending him first to India; we tucked him into a suitcase belonging to an H-1B Visa worker, returning home from Silicon Valley. When he landed in India, Petey had no trouble at all climbing aboard random transports until he reached Wuhan, China. No one in India or China, it seems, is even remotely bothered by the sight of what appears to be a sizable rat.

Finally Petey made his way to the Communist Party headquarters in the city of Wuhan, where he pounded on the door and demanded to speak to the local Communist Party spokesman, Mee Xik Fuk. Much to his surprise, our reporter was graciously ushered in and offered a cup of hot tea by Mr. Mee.

Here… is Petey’s report. Remember, you heard it first HERE, folks!!!

Petey: Thank you for the tea, Mr. Mee. That was very kind of you.

Mee Xik Fuk: You’re welcome, young man, and welcome to the glorious Republic of China. I hope you enjoy your stay.

Petey: Thank you, and thank you for speaking English. I’m not very good at Mandarin, I’m afraid.

Mee Xik Fuk (laughing as he takes a sip of green tea): Oh, you will be soon enough, young man! Everyone will. It’s just a matter of time.

Petey (spooning more sugar into his tea): What do you mean by that, Mr. Mee?

Mee Xik Fuk: Well, you have to have guessed that this ‘Corona Virus’ mess is a ‘takeover play’ by China, right?

Petey (taking a sip of his now high-octane tea):  I’ve heard those theories, yes. Might you elaborate, please?

Mee Xik Fuk: Well, we didn’t dare release the custom-made virus until we’d also engineered the antidote. Have you ever wondered, young man, why we let it ravage Wuhan and yet it never got anywhere near Shanghai or Beijing? We let it run amuck just enough to spark an American Media hysteria, and then we nipped it in the bud. We had the antidote in advance, and we also pre-fabbed sectional buildings so we could show off our ‘preparedness’ by slapping hospitals up overnight.

Petey: So, the COVD-19 virus was made in a lab?!

Mee Xik Fuk: When have you ever heard of a flu bug that’s contagious even without its host showing symptoms? Nearly nine out of ten people don’t display any symptoms; they just think they have a cold. So we needed to ensure that our virus was contagious even when lying dormant.

Petey: Would that explain why North Korea and Russia – your staunch allies – are relatively unscathed?

Mee Xik Fuk: Yes. Not only did we not – at least deliberately – send infected travelers there, we also gave them the antidote. Our points of focus were America, Australia, and the European Union. When they collapse their economies with panicky quarantine measures, it will leave a ‘power vacuum’ that China is poised to fill. Notice that while the American and European stock markets crashed, China’s did not.

Petey: But isn’t this basically still just a flu bug, according to the numbers? Britain is well below its five-year average for respiratory deaths, and Italy’s fatalities are nearly all elderly, or heavy smokers… the usual casualties of influenza. Even in the United States, the numbers are on par with a normal flu outbreak. What made you so sure that the media would incite a mass panic?

Mee Xik Fuk: That’s where the Chinese Communist Party’s staunchest ally, the American Democratic Party, comes in. Read the Democratic Party’s written platform alongside The Communist Manifesto sometime, and you’ll see why we’ve always been such strong allies. That’s why your former President Obama sent a good chunk of your automotive industry over here: That was his quid pro quo for our financial assistance with his ‘stimulus’ package, most of which went to companies who do business in China. We go way back, us Communists and the Democrats!

Petey: So how exactly did the Democrats help you out?

Mee Xik Fuk: The Democrats can direct most of the American Media with a simple phone call, thanks to moguls like Ted Turner and Michael Bloomberg. Media outlets like CNN and MSNBC immediately fall into line, and their tech allies at FaceBook, Twitter, and Google clean up the fallout by censoring dissent. The media’s orders were simple: Inflate the reported number of cases, without ever comparing the case numbers to the overall population figures. Numbers are scary, but percentages are not… so the press was ordered to strictly report the numbers. Also, they reported that anyone who died with the Corona Virus died from the Corona Virus… but there’s a difference. People with ‘multiple morbidity factors’ die from those morbidity factors, and not necessarily from the Corona Virus even though they happen to have it.

Petey: What about conservative media outlets like Breitbart, The Federalist, iPatriot, and TheBlaze? Shouldn’t they be able to balance out a manufactured panic?

Mee Xik Fuk: Young man, those networks are only read by a tiny percentage of Americans: The enlightened few who actually research the truth for themselves. Your average American is a lazy moron who comes home, plunks his fat butt onto the couch, and turns on the television… and there, Ted Turner and Michael Bloomberg reign supreme. Why do you think the Americans are voluntarily shutting down their economy over what would otherwise be ‘business as usual’? Control the media, control the people!

Petey: What does that Democratic Party get out of this?

Mee Xik Fuk: Democrats are desperate to regain power, young man! Barack Obama put America into a coffin, and Hillary Clinton was meant to nail it shut. The rise of President Donald Trump was an unacceptable anomaly to them, one that they’ve been fighting to correct. But the Mueller Report failed, and impeachment failed. This… is ‘take’ number three in their quest to pull down the president!

Petey: Are there other players involved?

Mee Xik Fuk: Yes, there’s the American ‘deep state’: The network of un-elected bureaucrats who pull the strings from behind the scenes. As we speak, Americans are surrendering the following freedoms: Free Speech, Freedom of Assembly, Freedom of Travel, and Freedom from Unreasonable Search and Seizure. President Trump was barely able to preserve the Freedom to Keep and Bear Arms, but even that is subject to local enforcement. And the Americans are meekly submitting to all of it, because they’ve been told that they should be afraid. Rhode Island is hunting down New Yorkers with para-military troops, and Florida has armed enforcers manning ‘checkpoints’. A minister was just arrested for holding a church service, and millions are being threatened with arrest just for exercising their freedom of movement. All of this serves the Deep State’s desire for widespread ‘martial law’.

Petey: Is anyone else involved?

Mee Xik Fuk (with a disturbing grin): There’s the usual culprit, the American Federal Reserve. You know, your central bank that’s neither ‘Federal’ nor has any ‘reserves’. It’s a private, ‘for profit’ entity.

Petey: Right, they’re doing unlimited ‘quantitative easing’ right now, which means they’re printing money like it’s going out of style. What’s that meant to accomplish?

Mee Xik Fuk: The more money you print, the less it’s worth… which means the Americans, in a time of manufactured crisis, will hand over most of their wealth just to survive. Once the American Middle Class is destitute, the Federal Reserve will contract the money supply, so all the money collected by the Corporate Establishment will then be worth exponentially more. In the meantime, the corporations will ‘acquire’ failing small businesses at an alarming rate, further concentrating power. We helped America do the exact same thing in 2008; the American Middle Class lost forty percent of its net wealth, and it’s never gotten it back.

Petey (looking up a quote on his phone): Right. Thomas Jefferson said ‘If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around them will deprive the people of all their property until their children wake up homeless on the Continent their Fathers conquered…’

Mee Xik Fuk: Now you get it! Economic collapse, transfer of power to China, an American police state, and the impoverishment of the world’s greatest republic… and all that from a simple flu bug that the general public should have ignored!

Petey: What do you mean, ‘should have ignored’?

Mee Xik Fuk: I mean the smartest thing your people could have done would have been to tell their leaders to go to hell. No self-quarantine, no restrictions, nothing! They can’t arrest all of you, right? One of your founders said that ‘eternal vigilance is the price of liberty’, and you forgot that. You acted like sheep, blindly obeying when you should have fought… and now you’ll lose everything. You forgot that free men trade lives for liberty, not the other way around. Now, very soon, you’ll be no freer than our people!

Petey: Why are you telling me all this?! This kind of reminds me of a James Bond movie, where the villain spills the beans about his plot just before the end of the story…

Mee Xik Fuk (setting down his tea and opening a desk drawer): Because I don’t intend to let you leave here alive, my fuzzy friend, although it was very nice meeting you.

Petey (pulling something out of his backpack as Mee Xik Fuk pulls something from his desk): What’s that, Sir?

Mee Xik Fuk: A butcher knife, young man. You will fetch a very large sum at our local wet market! Not only are you edible, your tail-bones can be ground up and sold as an aphrodisiac. What’s that?

Petey: A big-ass jar of American moonshine, a toilet-paper wick, and a cigarette lighter. Do you believe in God, Mr. Mee?

Mee Xik Fuk (advancing): Of course not; I’m a Communist

Petey (lighting the wick): Then I guess I won’t wish you ‘Godspeed’, Mr. Mee. Sayonara!!!

Mee Xik Fuk: Sayonara’s JAPANESE, you fool!

Petey (tossing the jar): Whatever. Bye bye!

Our reporter was a little singed, but he escaped mostly unscathed. (Petey has a fair amount of experience fleeing certain doom, so he knew exactly what to do.) He was home safe and sound in a matter of weeks.

We at would like to reiterate that this interview is a work of SATIRE, and thus we have no actual knowledge as to why the Communist Party Headquarters of Wuhan burned to the ground. We also have no inside knowledge pertaining to the horrible death of the honorable Mr. Mee Xik Fuk.

We would also like to extend our condolences to Mr. Mee’s family: His lovely wife (Mee Fat Ho), his son (Mee Dip Xit), and his daughter (Mee Ug Li). We wish them all the best for the future, and would like to thank them on Mee Xik Fuk’s behalf for his telling interview!

Petey Meets Bernie Sanders!

As desperately searched for a newsworthy item NOT related to the ‘corona virus’ hysteria, our star reporter – Petey the Pissed-Off Possum – came up with a brilliant idea.

With the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee – Joe Biden – in hiding while he receives treatment for his dementia, Petey thought it’d be a good time to visit the second runner-up: Senator Bernie Sanders.

Petey had to wait a while to catch the senator, but he didn’t mind since he was fairly comfortable in his lodgings: The garbage can behind one of Bernie’s palatial homes. But he finally cornered Bernie one night, as the failed candidate snuck out back for a few bong hits. Petey decided to wait until he was good and stoned before popping out of the trash can.

Here… is his interview!

Petey: Mr. Sanders? Hello…?


Petey: No, sir, you’re not. I’m Petey, the lead reporter for

Bernie Sanders: Who the hell is…?

Petey (interrupting): If you ask ‘who the hell is Shaun Moser’, I’m gonna hafta bite you, Senator. Seriously. Everybody asks me that question!

Bernie Sanders: What are you doing here?!

Petey: I was hoping for an interview, now that the dust has settled from the Democratic Presidential Primary. Is that okay?

Bernie Sanders (taking a deep hit from his bong): Oh, sure. I’m glad it’s all over, anyway.

Petey: Uh… weren’t you hoping to win the Democratic primary? You know, to run against Donald Trump for the presidency of the United States?

Bernie Sanders: What?! NO! Why would I want that?

Petey: Isn’t the point of running to win?

Bernie Sanders (choking a little): No…

Petey: I don’t follow.

Bernie Sanders (taking another deep hit): Look, kid, it’s like this. I do all these rallies, and lazy, entitled kids pile out of their mothers’ basements to support me because I’m offering them a free ride. I collect millions in campaign donations, and then I tell my media buyer to use that money for campaign ads. Then my media buyer keeps a ten-percent commission for every dollar – or million – we spend.

Petey: Who’s your media buyer?

Bernie Sanders: My wife! Why do you think I have three luxury homes?

Petey: So… you didn’t actually want to be the president? You just wanted the money?

Bernie Sanders: Kid, you have to understand something: I’m no different from those spoiled, greedy morons who support me. I’m a bum, always looking for a handout. The only time I’ve ever had to actually work was when I was the mayor of Burlington, and even then I had my staff do almost everything. I’m all about the fast buck, the easy score. Get it?

Petey: So, do you really believe your own rhetoric? (adopting a mocking New England accent) IT’S THE PHAWMECEUTICAL COMPANIES!!! IT’S THE CAWPORATIONS!!!

Bernie Sanders (giggling as he blows a smoke ring): Hey, that was pretty good!

Petey: Thanks. So do you really believe the ideas you preach?

Bernie Sanders: Of course not. I got my ideas when I read The Communist Manifesto in college, see…

Petey: Yeah, you do sound a lot like Karl Marx.

Bernie Sanders: Right? And when I read it, I said to myself ‘Bernie, this is great!You preach this stuff, and ignorant people will flock to you like flies on shit!’

Petey: That seems kinda… self-serving, doesn’t it?

Bernie Sanders: Oh, sure. But the trick is that you can’t call yourself a ‘Communist’, even if you are one. ‘Democratic Socialist’ sounds better, see? Communism turned the entire twentieth century into a bloodbath of starving poor people, but it sure did work for a lot of powerful men. Mao, Stalin, Castro… those guys knew what they were doing!

Petey: So, you spew a philosophy that’s failed every time it’s been implemented, and you don’t even want to be in charge of things? You’re just in this for the money?

Bernie Sanders (beginning to nod off): I’m afraid so, kid.

Petey: That sounds kind of… well, evil!

Bernie Sanders: Sure it is. But I do have three houses. Do you have three houses?

Petey: No… and I’m beginning to think, Senator, that I should probably bite you right about now.

Bernie Sanders (sounding anxious): Are you carrying the corona virus?

Petey (advancing menacingly): No sir, but I do carry RABIES!

Bernie Sanders: You get away from me, now. Go on, shoo! Scram!

Bernie Sanders: Uh… you’d better go away before I call security…

Bernie Sanders: Mr. Possum…? Mr. Possum?


Bernie Sanders was last seen in the Capitol Building, talking crazy and foaming at the mouth.

Insofar as we know, he has not yet been treated for his rabies (as none of his colleagues noticed any change in his behavior).

‘Til next time!

Much Ado About…

               So the civilized world is on ‘lockdown’ now, due to the panic over the ‘novel Coronavirus’…

               Except that the latest Coronavirus isn’t novel; this is COVD-19, the nineteenth version of a flu bug that’s been around forever. This also isn’t the first mass contagion in recent memory. SARS (Sudden Arrested Respiratory Syndrome) broke out in 2009 and 2012, and a wicked swine flu epidemic busted loose in 2010.

               The difference is, the ‘mainstream’ media voluntarily ‘blacked out’ those events to protect the American President Barack Obama. They’re blowing up the latest outbreak to crash the American economy in the hopes of taking out President Trump… ‘cuz let’s face it, nothing makes for great campaign rhetoric like ‘This president made everybody poor! Vote for ME instead!’ (Except maybe in the case of Senile Joe Biden, whose campaign slogan will be something like ‘The wheels on the bus go ‘round and ‘round…’)

               This didn’t have to happen. Yes, it’s a nasty flu bug but it’s still just a flu bug. The media-induced panic, however, will probably cause a repeat of 2008: The year in which the American middle class lost a whopping forty percent of its net wealth. Wealthy elites have recovered from the crash of 2008, but the middle class never has.

               I’m trying to keep my chin up, but it’s hard because I remember the terror of 2008. The media may be full of ‘fake news’ but the panic they induce is very, very real. It also has very real consequences.

               Stuff happens. People suffer. And Christians suffer right along with everyone else, because we are still part of a cursed world. But we have this comfort: Sometimes God calms the storm, and something He calms His child… but He will always do one or the other!

               That, I think, was why the Apostle Paul called our earthly troubles ‘light and momentary’.

               That having been said… screw the American press!!!

The Masque of the Red Death

In the wake of American journalism’s latest crisis ‘du jour’ – the Coronavirus outbreak – I felt the need to post a similarly-themed tale. It was written by a far better writer than I’ll EVER be! So, my dear readers: I give you the immortal Mr. Poe…

THE “Red Death” had long devastated the country. No pestilence had ever been so fatal, or so hideous. Blood was its Avator and its seal — the redness and the horror of blood. There were sharp pains, and sudden dizziness, and then profuse bleeding at the pores, with dissolution. The scarlet stains upon the body and especially upon the face of the victim, were the pest ban which shut him out from the aid and from the sympathy of his fellow-men. And the whole seizure, progress and termination of the disease, were the incidents of half an hour.

   But the Prince Prospero was happy and dauntless and sagacious. When his dominions were half depopulated, he summoned to his presence a thousand hale and light-hearted friends from among the knights and dames of his court, and with these retired to the deep seclusion of one of his castellated abbeys. This was an extensive and magnificent structure, the creation of the prince’s own eccentric yet august taste. A strong and lofty wall girdled it in. This wall had gates of iron. The courtiers, having entered, brought furnaces and massy hammers and welded the bolts. They resolved to leave means neither of ingress or egress to the sudden impulses of despair or of frenzy from within. The abbey was amply provisioned. With such precautions the courtiers might bid defiance to contagion. The external world could take care of itself. In the meantime it was folly to grieve, or to think. The prince had provided all the appliances of pleasure. There were buffoons, there were improvisatori, there were ballet-dancers, there were musicians, there was Beauty, there was wine. All these and security were within. Without was the “Red Death.”

 It was toward the close of the fifth or sixth month of his seclusion, and while the pestilence raged most furiously abroad, that the Prince Prospero entertained his thousand friends at a masked ball of the most unusual magnificence.

It was a voluptuous scene, that masquerade. But first let me tell of the rooms in which it was held. There were seven — an imperial suite. In many palaces, however, such suites form a long and straight vista, while the folding doors slide back nearly to the walls on either hand, so that the view of the whole extent is scarcely impeded. Here the case was very different; as might have been expected from the duke’s love of the bizarre. The apartments were so irregularly disposed that the vision embraced but little more than one at a time. There was a sharp turn at every twenty or thirty yards, and at each turn a novel effect. To the right and left, in the middle of each wall, a tall and narrow Gothic window looked out upon a closed corridor which pursued the windings of the suite. These windows were of stained glass whose color varied in accordance with the prevailing hue of the decorations of the chamber into which it opened. That at the eastern extremity was hung, for example, in blue — and vividly blue were its windows. The second chamber was purple in its ornaments and tapestries, and here the panes were purple. The third was green throughout, and so were the casements. The fourth was furnished and lighted with orange — the fifth with white — the sixth with violet. The seventh apartment was closely shrouded in black velvet tapestries that hung all over the ceiling and down the walls, falling in heavy folds upon a carpet of the same material and hue. But in this chamber only, the color of the windows failed to correspond with the decorations. The panes here were scarlet — a deep blood color. Now in no one of the seven apartments was there any lamp or candelabrum, amid the profusion of golden ornaments that lay scattered to and fro or depended from the roof. There was no light of any kind emanating from lamp or candle within the suite of chambers. But in the corridors that followed the suite, there stood, opposite to each window, a heavy tripod, bearing a brazier of fire, that projected its rays through the tinted glass and so glaringly illumined the room. And thus were produced a multitude of gaudy and fantastic appearances. But in the western or black chamber the effect of the fire-light that streamed upon the dark hangings through the blood-tinted panes, was ghastly in the extreme, and produced so wild a look upon the countenances of those who entered, that there were few of the company bold enough to set foot within its precincts at all.

It was in this apartment, also, that there stood against the western wall, a gigantic clock of ebony. Its pendulum swung to and fro with a dull, heavy, monotonous clang; and when the minute-hand made the circuit of the face, and the hour was to be stricken, there came from the brazen lungs of the clock a sound which was clear and loud and deep and exceedingly musical, but of so peculiar a note and emphasis that, at each lapse of an hour, the musicians of the orchestra were constrained to pause, momentarily, in their performance, to harken to the sound; and thus the waltzers perforce ceased their evolutions; and there was a brief disconcert of the whole gay company; and, while the chimes of the clock yet rang, it was observed that the giddiest grew pale, and the more aged and sedate passed their hands over their brows as if in confused revery or meditation. But when the echoes had fully ceased, a light laughter at once pervaded the assembly; the musicians looked at each other and smiled as if at their own nervousness and folly, and made whispering vows, each to the other, that the next chiming of the clock should produce in them no similar emotion; and then, after the lapse of sixty minutes, (which embrace three thousand and six hundred seconds of the Time that flies,) there came yet another chiming of the clock, and then were the same disconcert and tremulousness and meditation as before.

But, in spite of these things, it was a gay and magnificent revel. The tastes of the duke were peculiar. He had a fine eye for colors and effects. He disregarded the decora of mere fashion. His plans were bold and fiery, and his conceptions glowed with barbaric lustre. There are some who would have thought him mad. His followers felt that he was not. It was necessary to hear and see and touch him to be sure that he was not.

 He had directed, in great part, the moveable embellishments of the seven chambers, upon occasion of this great fête; and it was his own guiding taste which had given character to the masqueraders. Be sure they were grotesque. There were much glare and glitter and piquancy and phantasm — much of what has been since seen in “Hernani.” There were arabesque figures with unsuited limbs and appointments. There were delirious fancies such as the madman fashions. There were much of the beautiful, much of the wanton, much of the bizarre, something of the terrible, and not a little of that which might have excited disgust. To and fro in the seven chambers there stalked, in fact, a multitude of dreams. And these — the dreams — writhed in and about, taking hue from the rooms, and causing the wild music of the orchestra to seem as the echo of their steps. And, anon, there strikes the ebony clock which stands in the hall of the velvet. And then, for a moment, all is still, and all is silent save the voice of the clock. The dreams are stiff-frozen as they stand. But the echoes of the chime die away — they have endured but an instant — and a light, half-subdued laughter floats after them as they depart. And now again the music swells, and the dreams live, and writhe to and fro more merrily than ever, taking hue from the many tinted windows through which stream the rays from the tripods. But to the chamber which lies most westwardly of the seven, there are now none of the maskers who venture; for the night is waning away; and there flows a ruddier light through the blood-colored panes; and the blackness of the sable drapery appals; and to him whose foot falls upon the sable carpet, there comes from the near clock of ebony a muffled peal more solemnly emphatic than any which reaches their ears who indulge in the more remote gaieties of the other apartments.

But these other apartments were densely crowded, and in them beat feverishly the heart of life. And the revel went whirlingly on, until at length there commenced the sounding of midnight upon the clock. And then the music ceased, as I have told; and the evolutions of the waltzers were quieted; and there was an uneasy cessation of all things as before. But now there were twelve strokes to be sounded by the bell of the clock; and thus it happened, perhaps that more of thought crept, with more of time, into the meditations of the thoughtful among those who revelled. And thus too, it happened, perhaps, that before the last echoes of the last chime had utterly sunk into silence, there were many individuals in the crowd who had found leisure to become aware of the presence of a masked figure which had arrested the attention of no single individual before. And the rumor of this new presence having spread itself whisperingly around, there arose at length from the whole company a buzz, or murmur, expressive of disapprobation and surprise — then, finally, of terror, of horror, and of disgust.

In an assembly of phantasms such as I have painted, it may well be supposed that no ordinary appearance could have excited such sensation. In truth the masquerade license of the night was nearly unlimited; but the figure in question had out-Heroded Herod, and gone beyond the bounds of even the prince’s indefinite decorum. There are chords in the hearts of the most reckless which cannot be touched without emotion. Even with the utterly lost, to whom life and death are equally jests, there are matters of which no jest can be made. The whole company, indeed, seemed now deeply to feel that in the costume and bearing of the stranger neither wit nor propriety existed. The figure was tall and gaunt, and shrouded from head to foot in the habiliments of the grave. The mask which concealed the visage was made so nearly to resemble the countenance of a stiffened corpse that the closest scrutiny must have had difficulty in detecting the cheat. And yet all this might have been endured, if not approved, by the mad revellers around. But the mummer had gone so far as to assume the type of the Red Death. His vesture was dabbled in blood — and his broad brow, with all the features of the face, was besprinkled with the scarlet horror.

When the eyes of Prince Prospero fell upon this spectral image (which with a slow and solemn movement, as if more fully to sustain its role, stalked to and fro among the waltzers) he was seen to be convulsed, in the first moment with a strong shudder either of terror or distaste; but, in the next, his brow reddened with rage.

“Who dares?” he demanded hoarsely of the courtiers who stood near him — “who dares insult us with this blasphemous mockery? Seize him and unmask him — that we may know whom we have to hang at sunrise, from the battlements!”

It was in the eastern or blue chamber in which stood the Prince Prospero as he uttered these words. They rang throughout the seven rooms loudly and clearly — for the prince was a bold and robust man, and the music had become hushed at the waving of his hand.

It was in the blue room where stood the prince, with a group of pale courtiers by his side. At first, as he spoke, there was a slight rushing movement of this group in the direction of the intruder, who, at the moment was also near at hand, and now, with deliberate and stately step, made closer approach to the speaker. But from a certain nameless awe with which the mad assumptions of the mummer had inspired the whole party, there were found none who put forth hand to seize him; so that, unimpeded, he passed within a yard of the prince’s person; and, while the vast assembly, as if with one impulse, shrank from the centres of the rooms to the walls, he made his way uninterruptedly, but with the same solemn and measured step which had distinguished him from the first, through the blue chamber to the purple — through the purple to the green — through the green to the orange — through this again to the white — and even thence to the violet, ere a decided movement had been made to arrest him. It was then, however, that the Prince Prospero, maddening with rage and the shame of his own momentary cowardice, rushed hurriedly through the six chambers, while none followed him on account of a deadly terror that had seized upon all. He bore aloft a drawn dagger, and had approached, in rapid impetuosity, to within three or four feet of the retreating figure, when the latter, having attained the extremity of the velvet apartment, turned suddenly and confronted his pursuer. There was a sharp cry — and the dagger dropped gleaming upon the sable carpet, upon which, instantly afterwards, fell prostrate in death the Prince Prospero. Then, summoning the wild courage of despair, a throng of the revellers at once threw themselves into the black apartment, and, seizing the mummer, whose tall figure stood erect and motionless within the shadow of the ebony clock, gasped in unutterable horror at finding the grave cerements and corpse-like mask which they handled with so violent a rudeness, untenanted by any tangible form.

 And now was acknowledged the presence of the Red Death. He had come like a thief in the night. And one by one dropped the revellers in the blood-bedewed halls of their revel, and died each in the despairing posture of his fall. And the life of the ebony clock went out with that of the last of the gay. And the flames of the tripods expired. And Darkness and Decay and the Red Death held illimitable dominion over all.

Petey Meets Joe Biden!!!

After his interview with rock legend Ozzy Osbourne, flew our star reporter – Petey the Pissed-Off Possum –  home to America, just in time for the Democratic Party’s ‘Super Tuesday’ primary event.

Petey was lucky enough to score an interview with the presumptive nominee, former American vice president Joe Biden.

Here… is that interview!

Petey: Hello, Mr. Biden. Might I have a word with you?

Joe Biden: Oh, sure. Hi Jill! We’ve been married forever. Why wouldn’t I have a word with you?

Petey: Uhhhh…

Joe Biden (squinting as he adjusts his false teeth): You are Jill, aren’t you? Last time I thought it was you, and then you turned out to be Nancy Pelosi.

Petey: Uh… yeah. I’m Jill Biden, yep! That’s me!

Joe Biden: Thank God. Are you here to protect me from the stage crashers again?

Petey: Um… shouldn’t a man protect his wife from attacks, instead of the other way around?

Joe Biden: Normally, yes. But, you know… #metoo… I didn’t wanna be accused of being part of the patriarchy, you know?

Petey: Sure. Mr. Biden. May I ask how you managed to surge ahead of Bernie Sanders? I mean, he has grassroots support, and you kinda don’t…


Petey: Will you focus, Mr. Biden? I’m trying to conduct an interview here! Ozzy Osbourne mistook me for an acid trip, and he made more sense than you!!!

Joe Biden: Oh, Ozzy can’t vote. He’s English.

Petey: No kidding, Sherlock. Can you tell me how you plan to beat President Trump in this year’s election?

Joe Biden: Oh, that’ll be easy. Diebold will rig the voting machines in the ‘swing states’.

Petey: They did that in 2016, and Donald Trump still won. So what’s your plan?

Joe Biden: Look, rat… I’m gonna win, okay? I have to, because if Trump wins he’ll go after me for blackmailing the Ukraine into hiring my dumb-ass kid as an ‘energy consultant’.

Petey: Yeah, no kidding. He’ll probably go after former president Obama too, huh?

Joe Biden: Look, kid, knock off the conspiracy theories already, okay?! I’ve seen Obama’s birth certificate myself. It’s written in genuine American crayon, on grade-A construction paper. So just let it go!

Petey (sighing): You have no choice in all of this, do you? You’re gonna get nominated because your rival Bernie Sanders is bat-shit crazy, and if you don’t win you’ll probably go to jail for corruption. Is that right?

Joe Biden (looking anxiously about): What’s going on? Where am I?

Petey: You’re here with me. I’m Petey the Possum from, and I’m interviewing you. Are you okay?

Joe Biden (lying on the floor and sucking his thumb): I wanna go home. Where’s my sister Jill? I don’t like you!

Petey (rolling his eyes): Mr. Biden, are you sure you’re able to run for president? You look kinda senile to me…


At this point, our reporter wandered away in disgust.

He decided to attend a local séance, intended to resurrect the ghost of Charlie Manson.

Petey thinks Charlie Manson made more sense than Joe Biden…

What in the HELL?! (Literally…)

The following sermon was delivered to the local Church of Christ over the winter of 2012

I was listening to Isaiah on my audio bible a while back…

I wound up listening to it all the way through. Isaiah is a fascinating book. It has a great many of the prophecies that foretell the coming of Jesus. But that’s not what I wanted to talk about today. Today, I wanted to talk about some of Isaiah’s commentary about the various cultures of his day.

I know that Isaiah lived and wrote under the Mosaic covenant. But while the context of some of his teachings may have been different, the people about whom he wrote were exactly like you and I today… and I think there’s a lesson to be learned there.  After all, Ecclesiastes says that ‘that which is done is what will be done, and there is nothing new under the sun. Is there anything of which it may be said, ‘see, this is new’? It has already been in ancient times before us.

Frankly, when I listen to Isaiah I forget that he’s talking about Judah. Moab, Egypt, and a bunch of other folks whose names I can’t pronounce. When I read him, I can’t help but impose the name of my own people in the places of theirs.

 This is chapter three, in its entirety.                  

For behold, the Lord GOD of hosts

is taking away from Jerusalem and from Judah

support and supply,

all support of bread,

and all support of water;

the mighty man and the soldier,

the judge and the prophet,

the diviner and the elder,

the captain of fifty

and the man of rank,

the counselor and the skillful magician

and the expert in charms.

And I will make boys their princes,

and infants shall rule over them.

And the people will oppress one another,

every one his fellow

and every one his neighbor;

the youth will be insolent to the elder,

and the despised to the honorable.

For a man will take hold of his brother

in the house of his father, saying:

“You have a cloak;

you shall be our leader,

and this heap of ruins

shall be under your rule”;

in that day he will speak out, saying:

“I will not be a healer;

in my house there is neither bread nor cloak;

you shall not make me

leader of the people.”

For Jerusalem has stumbled,

and Judah has fallen,

because their speech and their deeds are against the LORD,

defying his glorious presence.

For the look on their faces bears witness against them;

they proclaim their sin like Sodom;

they do not hide it.

Woe to them!

For they have brought evil on themselves.

Tell the righteous that it shall be well with them,

for they shall eat the fruit of their deeds.

Woe to the wicked! It shall be ill with him,

for what his hands have dealt out shall be done to him.

My people—infants are their oppressors,

and women rule over them.

O my people, your guides mislead you

and they have swallowed up the course of your paths.

The LORD has taken his place to contend;

he stands to judge peoples.

The LORD will enter into judgment

with the elders and princes of his people:

“It is you who have devoured the vineyard,

the spoil of the poor is in your houses.

What do you mean by crushing my people,

by grinding the face of the poor?”declares the Lord GOD of hosts.

The LORD said:

Because the daughters of Zion are haughty

and walk with outstretched necks,

glancing wantonly with their eyes,

mincing along as they go,

tinkling with their feet,

therefore the Lord will strike with a scab

the heads of the daughters of Zion,

and the LORD will lay bare their secret parts.

In that day the Lord will take away the finery of the anklets, the headbands, and the crescents;the pendants, the bracelets, and the scarves;  the headdresses, the armlets, the sashes, the perfume boxes, and the amulets;  the signet rings and nose rings;  the festal robes, the mantles, the cloaks, and the handbags;  the mirrors, the linen garments, the turbans, and the veils.

Instead of perfume there will be rottenness;

and instead of a belt, a rope;

and instead of well-set hair, baldness;

and instead of a rich robe, a skirt of sackcloth;

and branding instead of beauty.

Your men shall fall by the sword

and your mighty men in battle.

And her gates shall lament and mourn;

empty, she shall sit on the ground.

When I go through these poetic verses line by line, it really does terrify me. I’ve always believed that avoiding evil means knowing what evil is. When I read this chapter, I understand that Isaiah was writing to Jews but I always forget that by the time the chapter’s finished. Some of the lines almost seem to jump out of the headlines… which is exactly, I suspect, Jesus meant when He said that His words would never fade away.

And I will make boys their princes, and children will rule over them’. Sound familiar? Does the phrase ‘youth-centered culture’ ring any bells? A recent president was awarded Time magazine’s ‘man of the year’ award for rallying record numbers of 18-to-20-year-olds to vote, indirectly giving them the power to make decisions for the mature and elderly in our society.

 Leviticus 19:32 says ‘You shall rise before the gray headed and honor the presence of an old man, and fear your God: I am the LORD.’ Proverbs 20:29 says that the ‘The glory of young men is their strength, and the splendor of old men is their gray head.’ Notice that it says the glory of young men is their strength, NOT their wisdom!!! There is no such thing as a ‘youth-centered culture’. If it’s ‘youth-centered’, it ain’t culture. It’s anarchy. Wanna know what a ‘youth-centered culture’ looks like? Read ahead to ‘the youth will be insolent to the elder, and the despised to the honorable.’

Scary stuff. Moving on.

 ‘And the people will oppress one another, every one his fellow’. Wow… Baltimore and Chicago have murder rates that rival the Third World. An American woman is sexually assaulted every forty-five seconds. The people voting themselves the resources of the working man now officially rival the working men in numbers. Price gouging is driving inflation through the roof, predatory banking has tanked the dollar to record lows, and the media is lying about all of it. An old preacher named Scott Wesley Brown once pointed out that every nation that has fallen has fallen from within, and when you look at history he was absolutely right. Isaiah would certainly have agreed with him.

Open sin. Brazen oppression. Violent men and immodest women. Theft from the weaker members of society. Treating the elderly like a nuisance, women and children ruling over men, fooling around with cults and foreign religions … WHAT A MESS!!!  For all this, God says that he will take from Judah ‘support and supply, all support of bread and all support of water’. He says that her men will be killed and her women humiliated.

Is this a specific curse levied by God against Judah? Did God cook this up as a special punishment just for them, or is God simply pointing out the natural consequences of behaving badly? Let me answer that question for you. I hold this truth to be self-evident; there is nothing in God’s way of thinking that can’t be explained using simple common sense, because God is the God of common sense.  

Greed inevitably leads to a nation issuing currency that has no wealth behind it. It’s phony riches, simply put. No nation has lasted last more than fifty years after debasing its currency. We debased ours in 1973. No empire has survived the degradation of the marriage covenant, especially when they go so far as to accept open deviancy. No socialist nation has ever survived without a) returning once again to some free market principles, or b) being repeatedly bailed out by the free world. We’ve debased our currency, destroyed the idea of marriage, warmed up to same-gender liaisons, and embraced socialism – a form of government that rewards laziness.

We’re toast.  

What took down the Babylonian, Roman, Greek, and Byzantine empires is going to consume us as well. When empires collapse, one of two things inevitably happens: They are either overrun by a larger, more brutal empire, or they fall into a period of feudalism and anarchy.

God doesn’t lie. What Isaiah prophesied for Judah happened. History doesn’t lie, either. It can be misinterpreted and twisted, but only for a short time. As Rome and Greece were, so is the United States of America. Our fall is not an ‘if’, it’s a ‘when’… because that’s another fact: No empire has ever righted itself once it started down the road to ruin.

When most preachers point out the causes of America’s impending doom, they do so as a call to political action. ‘We have to take back America for Jesus’, they cry. I think this is a foolish and short-sighted point, and one that is at odds with God’s ultimate goal of saving souls. I have a different reason for pointing out our impending collapse today, and I’ll get to that in a few minutes.          

I am not one of those preachers who thinks that America is ‘God’s country’. God’s one and only theocracy in recorded history was Israel, and they ceased to exist as a God-sanctioned theocracy once the Day of Pentecost rolled around; Hebrews and Galatians make this very, very clear. America’s Founding Fathers may have paid lip service to Christianity, but a great many of them were Freemasons who belonged to an occultic fraternal order; it’s likely that Freemasonry was a bigger influence on our Constitution than the Bible. (We only added the phrase ‘under God’ to our vaunted ‘Pledge of Allegiance’ because we were looking to differentiate ourselves from the Russian Communists of the 1950’s. Francis Bellamy, the author of the Pledge, wrote it to further the cause of unquestioned socialist rule.)

I’m not up here trying to ‘reclaim America for Christ’, as my fellow Virginian Pat Robertson would put it. Rather, I want to examine where we went wrong, because I think there’s a personal application there for us Christians. There’s an application that matters in our personal lives, regardless of what does or doesn’t happen to the world around us.

One of my all-time favorite movies ever is Disney’s ‘The Lion King’. Anyone seen that one? It’s the story of a lion cub who’s chased away from his pride, and he ends up being raised by a meerkat and a warthog, ‘way off in the African Jungle.

But when he comes of age, the ghost of his father comes to him in a dream and he tells him, ‘you have forgotten who you are, and so have forgotten me.’ And then he proposes a solution to the problem, a very, very, simple one: ‘REMEMBER who you are!’

That’s where America went wrong, on both and individual and collective level. We forgot who we are. Not as Americans, but as people. As Americans, we were only ever skeptics and conquerors, and that’s probably not worth remembering. We have made a national pastime of paying lip service to God while disobeying His commandments. There’s nothing worth remembering there. No, I’m saying we Americans have forgotten who we were meant to be in God’s eyes. We forgot our place in creation.

Soooooo…. Who are we?

The question of ‘who are we?’ is a very basic question… a question so fundamental that God answers it for us at the very beginning of his story. Therefore, we need to look in Genesis, in those early chapters where God explains to us who He is, who we are, and what the relationship should be between the two.

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth…’ That tells us everything we need to know about God, right there. He is God. He made everything. Therefore, he gets to define right, wrong, good, evil, and that without question. Everything else that scripture says about God is just an expansion on the idea laid out in Genesis 1:1. And that begins to tell us who we are. Whoever we were meant to be, we were meant to be only within the context of God’s plan. There’s nothing outside of that.

Then Man enters God’s plan: Then God said, ‘Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.’  So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. Then God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth’.

And God said, ‘See, I have given you every herb that yields seed which is on the face of all the earth, and every tree whose fruit yields seed; to you it shall be for food.  Also, to every beast of the earth, to every bird of the air, and to everything that creeps on the earth, in which there is life, I have given every green herb for food’; and it was so.  Then God saw everything that He had made, and indeed it was very good. So the evening and the morning were the sixth day.

Interestingly, it seems that only Adam was made on the sixth day, or step. ‘male and female he created them’ and ‘be fruitful and multiply’ were added to this account simply to reiterate that God created all humanity. When you read the expanded account of the woman’s creation in Genesis 2, it’s a reasonably safe bet that Eve was created well after the seventh day.  Also notice that it was only Adam who was made in the image of God. The Greek word for Image is eikon, and its meaning goes well beyond looks. It means a ‘reflection’, or a ‘representation’.  Adam was the image of God, and Eve was the image of Adam. Paul reiterated this in 1 Corinthians 11:7, when he says that ‘man is the glory of God and that woman is the glory of man’.  The word eikon is used there as well to differentiate the nature of man and woman.

 So what are the roles associated with this description of creation? Adam and Eve are both told in Genesis that ‘they are to fill the earth, and to subdue it.’ In this they are given the same orders from God; their gender roles only become different when they are told HOW they are to subdue it. When God creates Eve, the account goes as follows: And the LORD God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.”  Out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them. And whatever Adam called each living creature, that was its name.  So Adam gave names to all cattle, to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him.

And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place.Then the rib which the LORD God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man.

And Adam said:

“This is now bone of my bones

And flesh of my flesh;

She shall be called Woman,

Because she was taken out of Man.”

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.  

Adam is told, along with Eve, to subdue the earth, but Eve is designated as his helper.  Whatever Adam does, Eve is to be right there beside him. There is absolute equality between them in importance, in personhood, and they share an equal place in God’s plan. Just because Adam is the head of the relationship in no way diminishes Eve’s dignity or importance. And in obeying that God-ordained idea of marriage and social structure, you get stability, and strong families. Proper application of gender roles is how God meant to fill the earth, and subdue it.

To me, this is the beginning and the end of why America will be the next historic failure. We forgot Genesis 1 and 2. We began by forgetting the very beginning: God created the heavens and earth. Charles Darwin’s ‘origin of the species’ has been America’s accepted creation story for nearly a century now. (Darwin himself, by the way, realized the folly of the Theory of Evolution and recanted it shortly before his death. Social Darwinism leaves us nothing in the way of affirming personhood.) If men forget that they were made as eikons of God, and women as the glory of men, then we become faceless, nameless. If life came from nowhere, accidentally, then there is no dignity or importance attached to it. We have no hope, and ultimately nothing we do matters. In honoring God as the creator, we ourselves can rightly retain a shred of that honor as the pinnacle of his creation.  Particularly women, because Eve was the very last being God created. She was the icing on the cake, the cherry on top of the sundae, and the signature at the bottom of the painting. Women in particular should take great pride in being fashioned by God, because they are the artistic epitome of creation.

Once we lose sight of ourselves as God’s greatest creation, the roles assigned to us become muddied as well. I see this as something that became an epidemic in the 1960’s. God intended for men to be defined by their strength, and women by their purity. It’s an inarguable point that American men lack the propensity they once had for being leaders, and warriors. We are abdicating, en masse, our orders to subdue the earth. Simply put, we’re becoming lazy.

When men become lazy, we incite the woman’s sinful nature to usurp our positions as leaders. By the 1980’s in the US, it was thought very hip and cosmopolitan for a man to a hyper-sensitive pacifist, and for a woman to be a hard-driving feminists… the polar opposite of what they were created to be. By the 1990’s, not only were gender roles considered obsolete but gender itself was beginning to be considered passé. Phrases like ‘transgender’ were beginning to appear in newspaper articles and television clips.

By the 2000’s, surgically modified people began fighting for equal ‘rights’ and legal protection. Men are no longer men and women are no longer women. No one knows who they’re supposed to be anymore. This, and only this, I believe, is what has de-stabilized the American family. We’re raising fractured, dis-enfranchised children who make hobbies of things like shooting up their schools. We forgot who the men were supposed to be and who the women were supposed to be, and nothing good comes from that because that’s the basis of proper human interaction.  Every other social ill is just a symptom of that deeper problem.

It is my firm (although admittedly debatable) opinion that America is a lost cause; she is too crippled to survive much longer. Empires rise and empires fall, and we will not be the exception to the rule. We were once an immoral people. Immorality is knowing right from wrong, but choosing wrong. When that’s your state, you can recover. At least the immoral man knows right from wrong. But now we have become Amoral. Not only are we choosing wrong, we don’t even know what right is anymore.

There’s no surviving that.

But we Christians can and will survive. First of all, we have to always honor Genesis 1:1: God created the heavens and the earth. The Ecclesiast gave us a simple way to live for this very basic idea: Ecclesiastes 12 says this:  Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter:

Fear God and keep His commandments,

For this is man’s all.

For God will bring every work into judgment,

Including every secret thing,

Whether good or evil.

To the men, the sons of Adam, Paul gives us this very basic commandment: Ephesians 5 says ‘Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself’. Love is not a fuzzy feeling, as post-modern thought would have us believe. It’s act of will, the ability to place another’s needs above your own. Brothers, if you never fail to honor your wife’s need above your own, she will never be tempted to usurp your place as head of your household. She won’t want to, because she’ll trust you to care for her needs. The feminist movement is the direct result of men’s failure to lead well. We can’t stop the feminist movement in the world beyond our doors, but we can nip it in the bud in our own homes.

Regarding women, Paul says this in 1 Timothy 2: ‘And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived, fell into transgression. Nevertheless she will be saved in childbearing if they continue in faith, love, and holiness, with self-control.’ The wording of that verse is very, very archaic; I don’t have time to go into the Greek of it this morning, but I will paraphrase it in plain English because its point is very simple: Eve may have lost her honor by being deceived, but her daughters can restore it by faith, love, holiness, and self-control’. Not by protests, demonstrations, political activism, and discrimination lawsuits, but simply by being what God created them to be: Adam’s helper.

Social stability begins and ends with the home. If we as Christians can maintain that marital triad of God, man, and woman, we will have stable homes even though ‘they’ do not.  Our children will not shoot up the schools. Our households will be financially solvent, and our lives will make sense. America may crash and burn, but we will not. If we want to survive in a post-modern imperial collapse, we have to remember what we were created to be.

I realize this is probably a pretty depressing sermon. Remember, I’m Southern… we’re kinda hardwired to peach ‘hell n’ damnation’ . That’s why God promotes the idea of multiple teachers; we balance one another out.

But seriously, times they are a-changing’ and almost everyone agrees it ain’t for the better. We have to maintain a strong sense of ourselves, or we won’t survive …

In this world, or the next.

What the Founders Had to Say…

My home Commonwealth – Virginia, the Old Dominion – is in a state of conflict right now.

Legislative re- districting has handed power to a party that, in Virginia, has been the minority up until now. Their first order of business? Leaving you and yours disarmed and helpless.

As the Virginian Citizen’s Defense League continues to fight the good fight, I figured I’d leave y’all with some quotes going all the way back to beginning:

“An armed man is a citizen. A disarmed man is a subject.”

“To disarm the people is the most effectual way to enslave them.”
-George Mason

“It is the duty of the patriot to protect his country from its government.”
-Thomas Paine

“The best we can help for concerning the people at large is that they be properly armed.”
-Alexander Hamilton

“The great object is that every man be armed.” and “Everyone who is able may have a gun.”
-Patrick Henry

“Those who hammer their guns into plowshares will plow for those who do not.”
-Thomas Jefferson

“A free people ought to be armed.”
-George Washington

“Horrid mischief would ensue were the law-abiding deprived of the use of them.”
-Thomas Paine

“Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve and will have neither liberty nor safety.”
-Benjamin Franklin

“No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.”
-Thomas Jefferson

“Before a standing army can rule, the people must be disarmed, as they are in almost every country in Europe.”
-Noah Webster

“Americans have the right and advantage of being armed, unlike the people of other countries, whose leaders are afraid to trust them with arms.”
-James Madison

“The people are not to be disarmed of their weapons. They are left in full possession of them.”-Zachariah Johnson

“The constitution shall never be construed…to prevent the people of the United States who are peaceable citizens from keeping their own arms.”
-Alexander Hamilton

“To preserve liberty, it is essential that the whole body of the people always possess arms and be taught alike, especially when young, how to use them.”
-Richard Henry Lee

“The greatest danger to American freedom is a government that ignores the Constitution.”
-Thomas Jefferson

“I prefer dangerous freedom over peaceful slavery.”
-Thomas Jefferson

“The constitutions of most of our States assert that all power is inherent in the people; that … it is their right and duty to be at all times armed; … ”
-Thomas Jefferson