As shaunmoser.com desperately searched for a newsworthy item NOT related to the ‘corona virus’ hysteria, our star reporter – Petey the Pissed-Off Possum – came up with a brilliant idea.
With the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee – Joe Biden – in hiding while he receives treatment for his dementia, Petey thought it’d be a good time to visit the second runner-up: Senator Bernie Sanders.
Petey had to wait a while to catch the senator, but he didn’t mind since he was fairly comfortable in his lodgings: The garbage can behind one of Bernie’s palatial homes. But he finally cornered Bernie one night, as the failed candidate snuck out back for a few bong hits. Petey decided to wait until he was good and stoned before popping out of the trash can.
Here… is his interview!
Petey: Mr. Sanders? Hello…?
Bernie Sanders: AAAAAUUUGH!!! I’M GETTING PARANOID AGAIN!
Petey: No, sir, you’re not. I’m Petey, the lead reporter for shaunmoser.com.
Bernie Sanders: Who the hell is…?
Petey (interrupting): If you ask ‘who the hell is Shaun Moser’, I’m gonna hafta bite you, Senator. Seriously. Everybody asks me that question!
Bernie Sanders: What are you doing here?!
Petey: I was hoping for an interview, now that the dust has settled from the Democratic Presidential Primary. Is that okay?
Bernie Sanders (taking a deep hit from his bong): Oh, sure. I’m glad it’s all over, anyway.
Petey: Uh… weren’t you hoping to win the Democratic primary? You know, to run against Donald Trump for the presidency of the United States?
Bernie Sanders: What?! NO! Why would I want that?
Petey: Isn’t the point of running to win?
Bernie Sanders (choking a little): No…
Petey: I don’t follow.
Bernie Sanders (taking another deep hit): Look, kid, it’s like this. I do all these rallies, and lazy, entitled kids pile out of their mothers’ basements to support me because I’m offering them a free ride. I collect millions in campaign donations, and then I tell my media buyer to use that money for campaign ads. Then my media buyer keeps a ten-percent commission for every dollar – or million – we spend.
Petey: Who’s your media buyer?
Bernie Sanders: My wife! Why do you think I have three luxury homes?
Petey: So… you didn’t actually want to be the president? You just wanted the money?
Bernie Sanders: Kid, you have to understand something: I’m no different from those spoiled, greedy morons who support me. I’m a bum, always looking for a handout. The only time I’ve ever had to actually work was when I was the mayor of Burlington, and even then I had my staff do almost everything. I’m all about the fast buck, the easy score. Get it?
Petey: So, do you really believe your own rhetoric? (adopting a mocking New England accent) IT’S THE PHAWMECEUTICAL COMPANIES!!! IT’S THE CAWPORATIONS!!!
Bernie Sanders (giggling as he blows a smoke ring): Hey, that was pretty good!
Petey: Thanks. So do you really believe the ideas you preach?
Bernie Sanders: Of course not. I got my ideas when I read The Communist Manifesto in college, see…
Petey: Yeah, you do sound a lot like Karl Marx.
Bernie Sanders: Right? And when I read it, I said to myself ‘Bernie, this is great!You preach this stuff, and ignorant people will flock to you like flies on shit!’
Petey: That seems kinda… self-serving, doesn’t it?
Bernie Sanders: Oh, sure. But the trick is that you can’t call yourself a ‘Communist’, even if you are one. ‘Democratic Socialist’ sounds better, see? Communism turned the entire twentieth century into a bloodbath of starving poor people, but it sure did work for a lot of powerful men. Mao, Stalin, Castro… those guys knew what they were doing!
Petey: So, you spew a philosophy that’s failed every time it’s been implemented, and you don’t even want to be in charge of things? You’re just in this for the money?
Bernie Sanders (beginning to nod off): I’m afraid so, kid.
Petey: That sounds kind of… well, evil!
Bernie Sanders: Sure it is. But I do have three houses. Do you have three houses?
Petey: No… and I’m beginning to think, Senator, that I should probably bite you right about now.
Bernie Sanders (sounding anxious): Are you carrying the corona virus?
Petey (advancing menacingly): No sir, but I do carry RABIES!
Bernie Sanders: You get away from me, now. Go on, shoo! Scram!
Bernie Sanders: Uh… you’d better go away before I call security…
Bernie Sanders: Mr. Possum…? Mr. Possum?
Bernie Sanders: AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGHHHHH!!!
Bernie Sanders was last seen in the Capitol Building, talking crazy and foaming at the mouth.
Insofar as we know, he has not yet been treated for his rabies (as none of his colleagues noticed any change in his behavior).
‘Til next time!