After his interview with rock legend Ozzy Osbourne, shaunmoser.com flew our star reporter – Petey the Pissed-Off Possum – home to America, just in time for the Democratic Party’s ‘Super Tuesday’ primary event.
Petey was lucky enough to score an interview with the presumptive nominee, former American vice president Joe Biden.
Here… is that interview!
Petey: Hello, Mr. Biden. Might I have a word with you?
Joe Biden: Oh, sure. Hi Jill! We’ve been married forever. Why wouldn’t I have a word with you?
Joe Biden (squinting as he adjusts his false teeth): You are Jill, aren’t you? Last time I thought it was you, and then you turned out to be Nancy Pelosi.
Petey: Uh… yeah. I’m Jill Biden, yep! That’s me!
Joe Biden: Thank God. Are you here to protect me from the stage crashers again?
Petey: Um… shouldn’t a man protect his wife from attacks, instead of the other way around?
Joe Biden: Normally, yes. But, you know… #metoo… I didn’t wanna be accused of being part of the patriarchy, you know?
Petey: Sure. Mr. Biden. May I ask how you managed to surge ahead of Bernie Sanders? I mean, he has grassroots support, and you kinda don’t…
Joe Biden: THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO ‘ROUND AND ‘ROUND…
Petey: Will you focus, Mr. Biden? I’m trying to conduct an interview here! Ozzy Osbourne mistook me for an acid trip, and he made more sense than you!!!
Joe Biden: Oh, Ozzy can’t vote. He’s English.
Petey: No kidding, Sherlock. Can you tell me how you plan to beat President Trump in this year’s election?
Joe Biden: Oh, that’ll be easy. Diebold will rig the voting machines in the ‘swing states’.
Petey: They did that in 2016, and Donald Trump still won. So what’s your plan?
Joe Biden: Look, rat… I’m gonna win, okay? I have to, because if Trump wins he’ll go after me for blackmailing the Ukraine into hiring my dumb-ass kid as an ‘energy consultant’.
Petey: Yeah, no kidding. He’ll probably go after former president Obama too, huh?
Joe Biden: Look, kid, knock off the conspiracy theories already, okay?! I’ve seen Obama’s birth certificate myself. It’s written in genuine American crayon, on grade-A construction paper. So just let it go!
Petey (sighing): You have no choice in all of this, do you? You’re gonna get nominated because your rival Bernie Sanders is bat-shit crazy, and if you don’t win you’ll probably go to jail for corruption. Is that right?
Joe Biden (looking anxiously about): What’s going on? Where am I?
Petey: You’re here with me. I’m Petey the Possum from shaunmoser.com, and I’m interviewing you. Are you okay?
Joe Biden (lying on the floor and sucking his thumb): I wanna go home. Where’s my sister Jill? I don’t like you!
Petey (rolling his eyes): Mr. Biden, are you sure you’re able to run for president? You look kinda senile to me…
Joe Biden: THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO ‘ROUND AND…
At this point, our reporter wandered away in disgust.
He decided to attend a local séance, intended to resurrect the ghost of Charlie Manson.
Petey thinks Charlie Manson made more sense than Joe Biden…