NOTE: This interview contains foul language, and ‘reader discretion’ is advised. At the end of the day, there are some people that simply cannot give a polite interview. We apologize in advance for any offense.
Following his rather mind-numbing encounter with American Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (IDIOT-NY), shaunmoser.com dispatched our star reporter – Petey the Pissed-Off Possum – to Buckinghamshire, England in the hopes of scoring an interview with rock legend Ozzy Osbourne.
Petey arrived feeling rather queasy, since shaunmoser.com shipped him air-freight in a deceptively-labeled Amazon.com shoe-box. But he managed to make his way to Ozzy’s house nonetheless, and took up residence – with his trusty tape recorder – in a tree behind the Ozz-man’s residence.
Poor Petey had to wait through three long days of English winter weather, but at last he shivered his way into an interview upon one lucky late afternoon.
Here… is that interview!!!
Petey (whispering): Ladies and gentlemen, I think I hear Ozzy and Sharon talking inside. They’re sounding louder by the minute, so they must be walking towards us. Are we in luck? Is Ozzy heading our way?
Petey: They sound really loud, actually. Maybe… Are they arguing?
Petey: Whoa, this is getting deafening! They must be heading for the backyard, folks! Here come Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne!
At this point, Ozzy Osbourne flew backwards through a picture window and landed heavily next to the trash can. Our reporter fled in terror, trying to avoid the flying glass as he scampered further up the tree.
Petey: Mr. Osbourne…? Sir?
Ozzy (blinking as he tries to sit up): Fuck me, man! Bollocks! I didn’t do fuck-all, and she threw me over the fucking telly and out the window anyway!
Petey: Mr. Osbourne, are you okay?
Ozzy (rising and shaking off the broken glass): Who the fuck are you?!
Petey: I’m Petey, from America. I was hoping for an interview with you, if you’d be so kind.
Ozzy (combing the broken glass out of his hair and wiping his spectacles clean): Are you one of my wobbles?
Petey: What’s a ‘wobble’?
Ozzy: That’s wot I call my flashbacks from all the LSD I did in the seventies. You’re a wobble, aren’t you?
Petey: Uh… yeah. Sure. Yep, that’s it! I’m a wobble. Total wobble! Wobbling all over the place, me.
Ozzy: Well, I’ve had worse days on acid, I suppose. I had a long chat with a horse once, I did. He told me to fuck off ‘cos I talked too much.
Petey: Oh, you can talk all you’d like, sir. May I ask you a few quest…?
At this point, a piercing scream blasted through the broken window. Given its resemblance to certain shrill ‘Monty Python’ characters, our reporter assumed that it was Ozzy’s wife Sharon.
Sharon: OZZY, YOU FUCKING WANKER!!! YOU GOT A GIG TOMORROW, YOU BASTARD, SO DON’T FREEZE YOUR FUCKIN’ ARSE OFF!!!
Ozzy: I KNOW I GOT A GIG, YOU FUCKING COW!!! GO GIVE SOMEONE ELSE A LOAD OF FUCKING BOLLOCKS FOR ONCE!!!
Sharon (flinging a jacket through the broken window): PUT THIS ON, YOU DUMB FUCKER!!!
Ozzy: IF I DO, WILL YOU FUCK OFF?!
Sharon: NO, YOU WANKER!!! TAKE THIS, TOO!!! IF YOU CATCH COLD YOU’LL HAVE TO CANCEL YOUR GIG!!!
Ozzy (picking up the tossed coat): THIS IS ENGLAND, YOU DUMB BITCH!!! IT AIN’T FUCKING ANTARCTICA!!!
Sharon: YOU’RE SO FUCKING OLD THAT ENGLAND MAY AS WELL BE ANTARCTICA!!! IF YOU FREEZE, I’M GONNA RESURRECT MY DAD’S GHOST ON YOUR ARSE!!!
At this point, both our reporter and Ozzy Osbourne stood in awkward silence for a few minutes…
Petey: Um… Is she gone?
Ozzy (taking a seat on the back porch): I sure fucking hope so, Wobble! Man, she’s something else when she’s got a bee up her fuckin’ arse.
Petey: Who’s her Dad? You know, the ghost she threatened to resurrect?
Ozzy: Her late dad, Don Arden. Man, talk about a right bastard! Scary fucker, he was.
Petey (shivering with envy as he watches Ozzy don his jacket): Well, Mr. Osbourne, I’d like to…
Ozzy: Call me Ozzy, Wobble. Everyone does, ‘cept my first wife and she don’t count.
Petey: Oh, sure. Ozzy, I’m told you have a new album out. What’s it called?
Ozzy: It’s called Ordinary Man, mate. You came to interview me, and you ain’t listened to it yet?
Petey (climbing down the tree): I’m sorry, Ozzy. I live in a trash can, and I don’t have a stereo. I only know the song Under the Graveyard, and it usually sounds kinda fuzzy. I really like it, though, even when it’s fuzzy.
Ozzy: Oh, I understand. Music always sounded fuzzy to me when I was drunk!
Petey: Oh no, it’s never that I’m drunk. I only get to listen to music when I travel, see… and then the music sounds fuzzy ‘cuz everybody makes me ride in the trunk.
Ozzy: That’s the saddest shit I ever heard, mate! Why do people make you ride in the fucking trunk?!
Petey: Probably because I usually smell like a trash can…
Ozzy: That ain’t shit, mate! Everyone smells a bit dodgy now and then, you know? You should have smelled me when I was in my old band, Black Sabbath. And that wasn’t shit compared to when I lived in Aston, and I had to take the bus home from the fucking slaughterhouse!
Petey: You and I actually met once, by the way… sort of. On Black Sabbath’s Reunion tour.
Ozzy: Really? What row were you sitting in?
Petey: Uh… I was in the dumpster behind the rear entrance.
Ozzy: So how’d we meet, Wobble?
Petey: You threw up on me.
Ozzy: I’m sorry, mate!
Petey: And then you tossed in a soiled garment. It smelled like pee, and…
Ozzy: Oh, I must have shit myself again. SO sorry, mate! Those were rough days, man. I’m doing much better now.
Petey: It’s okay. So… about Ordinary Man? What thoughts were you trying to convey with this record?
Ozzy: Well, this may very well be my last record. I have Parkinson’s disease, you know, and I blew my back out on the last tour. No one lives forever, mate… not even an indestructible old fucker like me.
Petey: So what last message are you trying to leave behind? I mean, if this is your last album.
Ozzy: Cherish your good memories, man. And write your bad ones off like a load of bollocks, you know? Everyone fucks up sometimes. That’s it, man. That’s all I got. This ain’t much of an interview, but here it is.
Petey (shivering): I think this is a great interview, Ozzy. Thank you…
Ozzy: You look cold, Wobble…
Petey (sneezing): Yeah… I’m not from around here. It’s a bit warmer in my neck of the woods.
Ozzy (picking up the coat lying on the ground, and patting the porch step): Why don’t you come up here, mate? Warm up a bit? You may just be a wobble, but even a fucking wobble don’t deserve to freeze to death.
Petey (climbing into Ozzy’s coat and tucking himself inside it): Thank you so much, Ozzy. I’m very grateful.
Ozzy: You’re welcome, Wobble. It was nice meeting you.
Petey: So what do you like to do on an evening like this? A man like you, who’s lived such an epic life?
Ozzy (leaning back against the topmost step): Well, Wobble… I think sometimes it’s just nice to watch the sun set, you know? Sometimes an old bastard just wants to sit and imagine what tomorrow might be like.
Petey (sounding sleepy as he settles into Ozzy’s coat): That sounds nice. Sunsets are always a good time…
Ozzy: Yes, Wobble. Yes, they are.
Our reporter woke up late that night, still swaddled in Ozzy’s coat.
Sitting next to him was a nineties-style portable CD player, and a signed copy of Ozzy’s ‘Ordinary Man’. Our reporter will undoubtedly soon be straining shaunmoser.com’s budget looking for new batteries.
And after a few minutes’ worth of conscience pangs…
Petey decided to swipe the coat, too.