After nearly being turned into Korean barbecue by the Oscar-winning director Bong Joon Ho, Petey the Pissed-Off Possum steadfastly refused to appear for his scheduled appointment with Tom Cruise. He said Cruise’s house was too close to Hollywood for his taste.
So shaunmoser.com deployed him to back to Washington, D.C. instead. While it’s a safe bet that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi still ‘has it in’ for our star reporter, Petey is confident that he can easily outrun her. (He also says he can smell her coming from a mile away; she smells, he says, like mothballs and formaldehyde.)
We were able to line up an interview with Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY)….
Okay, we’re lying. We couldn’t score an interview with AOC.
It took some doing, but Petey came up with the idea of bribing AOC’s office courier into taking a day off. So Petey – in place of the turncoat courier – brought AOC her daily delivery of pink lipstick and gold hoop earrings.
Here… is Petey’s interview!
Petey: Here’s your package, Ma’am. Sign here, please.
AOC: Like, I actually have to spell my name?
Petey: No Ma’am. Just a simple scrawl will do.
AOC: But I don’t have one of those! Aren’t they made of like, crusty old paper or something?
Petey: That’s a ‘scroll’, Ma’am. A ‘scrawl’ is just a squiggly line.
AOC (making a scrawl across the delivery ticket): Oh, thanks!
Petey (pulling out his microphone): Miss Oca… AOC, might I ask you a few questions?
AOC: About what? I paid for my lipstick and earrings last month!
Petey: Oh, I’m not a bill collector. I’m a reporter for shaunmoser.com, and my boss would like it if I got an interview with you.
AOC: Who’s Shaun Moser?
Petey (sighing): That question’s getting really old! Look, if you give me an interview, I’ll tell Bernie Sanders that he has to back you for president in 2024.
AOC: You have that kind of pull with Bernie?!
Petey: Uh… sure. May we begin?
AOC (un-wrapping a Tide Pellet, and taking a bite out of it): Sure!
Petey: At President Trump’s last speech, you had a rather sour expression. May I ask why?
AOC: What?! I wasn’t sour! I didn’t even eat any lemons!
Petey (rolling his eyes): I mean, you didn’t look very happy. May I ask why?
AOC: Oh! Well, I think the president is a total racist! He doesn’t even want to give undocumented immigrants visas.
Petey: Do you?
AOC: Oh, yes! In fact, I think we need to go even further. I mean, every American has a Visa…
Petey: What do you mean?
AOC: I mean, we should also give them MasterCards! Then they’ll have more purchasing power, see? And the economy will do better.
Petey (holding his head in his hands): Speaking of the economy, how do you plan on explaining to your constituents in the Bronx that you cost the area 25,000 jobs by chasing Amazon.com away?
AOC: HEY! That’s not fair! I brought in the Amazon corporate office! That’s 5,000 jobs, thank you!
Petey: Yes, but 5,000 out of 25,000 is still a net loss of twenty thousand jobs…
AOC (rolling her eyes): Oh, math! I don’t do that. I have an app on my phone for that.
Petey: Do you have any idea how to use it?
Petey: Nothing, let’s move on. Is there anything interesting happening in your personal life?
AOC: You bet! I’m hitting the campaign trail with Bernie Sanders!
Petey: That’s ‘professional’. I said ‘personal’…
Petey: IS ANYTHING INTERESTING HAPPENING AMONG YOUR FRIENDS OR FAMILY?!
AOC: Oh, sure. My boyfriend is having plastic surgery soon.
Petey: Riley Roberts? Good for him. It’s about time, too; he’s plug-freakin’ ugly.
AOC: What?! He’s getting my name tattooed on his shoulder. He’ll still look the same!
Petey: Uh… Miss Oca… Ma’am, that’s not plastic surgery. It’s just a tattoo.
AOC: What? But the gun that holds the needle is plastic, isn’t it?
Petey: Miss Oca… Ma’am, have you considered a possible career change?
AOC: Like what?
Petey: Well, you’re pretty. And busty. And you’re a really good dancer! Plus you have this ditzy ‘little-girl’ voice… Have you ever considered a career as a stripper?
AOC: Actually, I have! How did you know?
AOC: Yeah… but I don’t know how to draw.
AOC (laughing): Well, you can’t make comic strips if you don’t know how to draw, silly!
Petey (groaning): Miss Oca… Ma’am, is there some message you’d like me to convey to America? A ‘mission statement’ of some kind?
AOC: Yes! President Trump is bad.
Petey: Um… Okay… Why?
AOC: He’s a racist.
Petey: You do realize that you might actually be descended from the Spanish conquistador Cortez, right? The man who ended the Aztec Empire, and may have caused the death of thousands of South Americans?
AOC: Oh, that’s not true. I’m from Puerto Rico! So I can’t be related to any Spanish people.
Petey (rolling his eyes): Miss Oca… Ma’am, may I say just one more thing?
AOC: Sure, as long as it doesn’t involve math.
Petey: I HATE YOUR CHEESY LIPSTICK AND YOUR EARRINGS, YOU %$^#ing TWIT!!!
At this point in the interview, our intrepid reporter ducked behind Miss Oca… AOC’s office door; after interviewing California Governor Gavin Newsom, he knew exactly what to expect.
Petey phoned our gara… office as AOC’s head exploded, assuring us that he was okay. We expect him home soon, at which point we will send him somewhere else where he might be killed.
‘Til NEXT time!!!