On Sunday, February 9th, shaunmoser.com dispatched our reporter – Petey the Pissed-Off Possum – to cover the 92nd Academy Awards, commonly known ‘The Oscars’. We should have released Petey’s coverage way before tonight, but alas Petey lost his tape recorder. (shaunmoser.com can’t AFFORD a digital recorder, okay?!)
We did eventually recover it…
We were initially worried that Petey might have some difficulty accessing the red carpet, but it turned out to be no trouble at all. Ever since Bjork showed up wearing that stuffed swan, it turns out that they’ll let ANYONE in! (The fact that Petey was mistaken multiple times for Steve Buscemi made everything just that much easier.)
Petey was regrettably only able to score one interview, but here… is that interview!
Petey: Okay, people… here they come! All the big stars! Hello? Natalie Portman? A word, please? Mr. Pitt? Ms. Johanssen? Joaquin…?! Hello? Anyone…?!
After a few minutes…
(An unknown attendee) Herro? I talk’a you!
Petey (sighing with relief): Bong Joon Ho, tonight’s big winner! Congratulations on scoring multiple Oscars for directing the South Korean film Parasite! How do you feel?
Bong Joon Ho: Herro! Who’a you?
Petey: I’m a reporter for shaunmoser.com. Do you have time for an interview?
Bong Joon Ho: So solly, I haffa reave. I’a come back. You wait?
Petey: Um… sure…
Bong Joon Ho: I’a come back. You wait, prease!
Petey: Um… okay.
Petey: He must be fetching a translator, folks. I’m told Mr. Bong actually does speak English, but he doesn’t like doing it in public. I just gotta be patient. In the meantime, let’s see if we can catch someone else… MR. DICAPRIO!!! MR. DICAPRIO?!
Leonardo DiCaprio: F*** OFF, YOU TRUMP-LOVING A**HOLE!!!
Petey: What makes you think I love America’s President Trump?!
Leonardo DiCaprio: POSSUMS ARE FROM THE AMERICAN SOUTH, IDIOT! EVERYONE KNOWS YOU SOUTHERN PRICKS LOVE THE ORANGE BAD MAN!!!
Petey: Well SCREW YOU!!! Who cares about an actor named after a damn Ninja Turtle?! And by the way, The Basketball Diaries SUCKED, you @#%!!!
Petey: *pant pant*
Petey: Oh, HERE comes Bong Joon Ho! MR. BONG! MR. BONG…?
Bong Joon Ho: Herro! You come here, prease… Herro?
Petey: Mr. Bong? Uh… Mr. Bong, what’s that? Mr. Bong…?
Bong Joon Ho (advancing): You ho’d stirr, prease…
Petey: Mr. Bong, what are you…?
Bong Joon Ho: You no move, prease…
Petey: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?! AAAAUUUUGGGGH!!!!
This interview concluded with Petey running terrified down Hollywood Boulevard. Witnesses reported that Bong Joon Ho was seen chasing after him, waving a meat cleaver and a bottle of Kimchi sauce.
Petey accidentally dropped his tape recorder in front of a strip club, but it was later returned to us by a wonderfully sweet hooker named ‘Tow-Truck Towanda’.
shaunmoser.com would like to extend our deepest thanks to Towanda for her kindness. We would also like to apologize to our faithful reporter, who is now in hiding… and is, apparently, still pretty pissed off.