In the wake of American President Donald Trump’s impeachment trial, shaunmoser.com dispatched our long-suffering reporter – Petey the Pissed-Off Possum – to Washington, D.C.
Shaunmoser.com is, unfortunately, barred from both the White House and the Capitol Building for… stuff. But our reporter Petey happens to know about a certain trash can behind the Capitol Building; apparently House Speaker Nancy Pelosi sneaks back there to inject herself with her daily dose of embalming fluid.
All our intrepid reporter had to do… was wait.
Petey: Hello, Speaker Pelosi? Hello? Madam Speaker….?
Nancy Pelosi: AAAAAAUUUUGH!!! I TOOK TOO MUCH AGAIN!!!!
Petey: Madam Speaker? Are you okay?
Nancy Pelosi (dropping her hypodermic syringe in a blind panic): They SAID hallucinations were a possible side effect!!! I think I’m talking to a RAT!!!
Petey: I’m not a rat, Madam Speaker; I’m a possum. And also a reporter.
Nancy Pelosi (looking around): I’m not talking to you!
Petey (lowering his phone and turning off the ‘camera’ application): That’s fine. I can always release this photo, and tell everyone you were shooting up heroin…
Nancy Pelosi: WHAT?! I’LL KILL YOU, YOU LITTLE…
Petey: I’m pretty sure I can outrun you, Madam Speaker, and I can probably do it without breaking my hip. You can either give me this interview, or shaunmoser.com’s next headline will read thus: ‘Nancy Pelosi: Public Servant or Incorrigible Smack-Head?’
Nancy Pelosi: You WOULDN’T!!!
Petey: Madam Speaker, I survived California Governor Newsom’s head exploding right in front of me… so I’m pretty sure I can take you! So… may we talk? Or do all five of my readers get to watch you shooting yourself up? Your call, Madam Speaker!
Nancy Pelosi (reluctantly hiding the hypodermic syringe behind her colostomy bag): What do you want to know?
Petey: Well, the readers of shaunmoser.com would like to know…
Nancy Pelosi: Who the hell is Shaun Moser…?
Petey: My boss. Now, Madam Speaker…
Nancy Pelosi: What the hell kinda news network hires a rat?!
Petey (sighing): A bankrupt network, Madam Speaker. And I’m a possum, not a rat.
Nancy Pelosi: So why exactly am I talking to you?!
Petey: Because I have a photo of you shooting what might be heroin, and you can’t catch me with it because you’re older’n Methuselah and you should have retired like, forever ago. May we go on, please?
Nancy Pelosi: Of course. What’s your next question, then?
Petey: Why did you authorize impeachment proceedings against President Donald Trump?
Nancy Pelosi: Because I like impeachments! Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve been slicing them up and putting them on my cereal. They’re way better than blueberries!
Petey: Uh… Madam Speaker, you do realize than an ‘impeachment’ isn’t a type of fruit. Right?
Nancy Pelosi: What? You’re wrong!!!
Petey: Madam Speaker, an ‘impeachment’ is a solemn political proceeding, one intended to remove a sitting American president from office. It is not a fruit!!!
Nancy Pelosi: But Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said it was…
Petey: Speaking of the freshman congress-woman from New York, Madam Speaker… how would you address the accusation that you are letting the radicals run your party? That you’re even letting them dictate your actions?
Nancy Pelosi: That’s RIDICUlOUS!!! How could you even…
At this point in the interview, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez stuck her head through the back door of the Capitol Building. Our reporter recorded the following exchange as he cowered beneath the trash-can lid:
AOC: Nancy? Nancy? Did you pick my laundry up yet?
Nancy Pelosi: No, I didn’t. I’m terribly sorry! Please don’t write any more ‘tweets’ about me!
AOC: Well, hurry up! I need my new skirt for dinner with Bernie Sanders tonight, and I’m all out of clean panties. You’d better leave work early so you’ll get back from the dry cleaners in time…
Nancy Pelosi: I will, I promise! I’m so sorry! Forgive me?
AOC: Only if you get my laundry back well before dinner. If you don’t, I won’t give you any more Tide Pellets to snack on. Got it?
Nancy Pelosi: I understand… Thank you…
At this point our reporter popped out of the trash can.
Petey: Why do you let her treat you like that?
Nancy Pelosi: What? She’s a rising star! The youngest woman ever elected to congress!
Petey: She won with like, eleven percent of the vote in an election that no one cared about. You may want to consider, Madam Speaker, the distinct possibility that AOC is a complete idiot. May we move on, please?
Nancy Pelosi: Mmph, plth yth deo…
Petey: Madam Speaker…?
Nancy Pelosi: thdondd…?
Petey: You dropped your teeth, Madam Speaker.
Nancy Pelosi (picking up her teeth and putting them back into her mouth): Of course we can move on! What was your next question?
Petey: Why would you push for impeachment proceedings when you knew there weren’t enough votes in the American Senate to successfully remove President Trump from office?
Nancy Pelosi: What?! But… but Adam Schiff said there were enough votes!
Petey: Uh… no… Everyone knew from the beginning that this was a political stunt. Why’d you actually go through with it?
Nancy Pelosi: Go through with what?
Petey: THE IMPEACHMENT HEARINGS, you moron!!!
Nancy Pelosi: Oh, that. Because I like those in my cereal. They’re way better than blueberries…
At this point our reporter wandered off in disgust.
When he looked back, Nancy Pelosi was un-wrapping a Tide Pellet and singing ‘THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO ‘ROUND AND ‘ROUND…’
Tune in next time, when Petey covers the 2020 Oscars!
We will release Petey’s Academy Award interviews as soon as we find his tape recorder, which he thinks he may have dropped somewhere between the Hard Rock Café and the Hollywood sign…
Apparently the evening didn’t go well.