U.S. President Trump’s impeachment trial overshadowed a ground-breaking news item released just this morning: California Governor (and former San Francisco mayor) Gavin Newsom announced that he had completely solved San Francisco’s homelessness problem. He also said that he had turned California’s crumbling economy completely around, and solved its troubling crime issues as well.
Since shaunmoser.com was unable to get press access to President Trump’s trial at the U.S. Capitol Building, we decided to cover the Newsom announcement instead. So we dispatched our favorite reporter, Petey the Pissed-Off Possum, to the governor’s mansion in Sacramento.
Here… is his interview.
Petey: Thank you for meeting with us this morning, Governor Newsom. I especially wanted to thank you for agreeing to be interviewed on such short notice.
Governor Newsom: Well, I was more curious than anything. I mean, who the hell is ‘Shaun Moser’?
Petey: He’s my boss; I used to live in his trash can until it got rust holes in it. Are you ready to begin, Governor?
Governor Newsom: Does this Moser guy pay you?
Petey (laughing): That’s enough about me, Governor! I’m told you actually solved San Francisco’s crippling homeless problem literally overnight! How did you accomplish such a feat?
Governor Newsom: Well, it’s probably an exaggeration to describe San Francisco’s homeless issue as ‘crippling’. The problem wasn’t as bad as it could have been. I’d say San Francisco’s homeless problem was on par with, say, Venezuela’s. Or maybe Cambodia’s, or India’s.
Petey: Um… that’s pretty bad. How did you fix it, and in such a short time?
Governor Newsom: Oh, it was easy! We just legally changed the definition of ‘homeless’ to exclude anyone who lives in a cardboard box, sleeps on a park bench, or spends any time outdoors at all.
Petey: But what about the sanitation issues? Didn’t President Trump threaten San Francisco with sanctions by the Environmental Protection Agency, if they didn’t do something about the homeless people constantly taking dumps on the sidewalk?
Governor Newsom: First of all, let me say this: President Trump is an environmental terrorist, and he has NO business lecturing me on environmental issues!!! I mean, he takes a private jet everywhere…
Petey: I’ve seen photos of you getting out of private jets…
Governor Newsom (waving his hand): These aren’t the jets you’re looking for…
Governor Newsom (waving his hand again): You can go about your business…
Petey: Are you stoned…?
Governor Newsom (still waving his hand): Move along.
Petey: Um… Okay. But seriously, how is re-defining ‘homelessness’ away going to get the turds off the sidewalk?
Governor Newsom: Look, it’s the same basic idea as George Bush’s ‘No Child Left Behind’ law. American kids were too dumb to meet our academic standards, so we just lowered the standards. Get it?
Governor Newsom: Look, it worked, okay? San Francisco doesn’t have a homelessness problem anymore! Can we move on, please?
Petey: You also said you fixed California’s broken economy? How’d you do that?
Governor Newsom: Oh, that was easy. We just raised our taxes again. More money coming into the government means a healthier state, right?
Petey: But businesses are leaving your state because of the taxes! Isn’t that right?
Governor Newsom (waving his hand): These aren’t the businesses you’re looking for…
Petey: Not again…
Governor Newsom: You can go about your business…
Petey: Will you stop that please?!
Governor Newsom: Move along…
Petey: So you solved homelessness by re-defining the word, and you solved the problem of businesses fleeing your taxes by raising your taxes. Am I getting this right so far?
Governor Newsom (pulling a crack pipe out of his pocket, and stuffing a rock into the bowl): That’s right!
Petey (choking as Governor Newsom lights up his rock): So what about crime in your state? How did you nip that in the bud?
Governor Newsom (blowing a smoke ring): That was easy, too. We just legalized everything!
Petey (waving away a cloud of smoke): Everything? Rape? Murder? Drug dealing?
Governor Newsom (choking): Yes sir!
Petey: So your gun laws were repealed, too? Your average Californian can now own and carry a firearm for self-defense?
Governor Newsom: WHAT?! ARE YOU INSANE?! NO!!!
Petey: Oh… I see… Um… Governor, I think I’ve taken up enough of your time today. Before we wrap this up, may I ask you one last question?
Governor Newsom (loading a fresh rock into his pipe): Sure, man.
Petey: Governor… what the f*** is WRONG with you?!
Governor Newsom (turning purple): What’s wrong with me?! ME?! You… you… You’re RACIST, that’s what you are! RACIST!!! HATER!!! I’M TOTALLY GONNA ‘DOX’ YOU WHEN I FIND YOUR ADDRESS!!!
Petey: Racist? I’m a possum. And I live in a trash can.
Governor Newsom: YOU… YOU… DISGUSTING EXCUSE FOR A MARSUPIAL!!! I’LL CALL CNN ON YOU!!! I’LL HAVE NANCY PELOSI IMPEACH YOUR FUZZY ASS, YOU…
Petey: Governor, there’s no need for…
This interview was tragically cut short as Governor Newsom’s head exploded.
Our reporter was understandably a bit traumatized by the event, and fled in terror. However, one of Governor Newsom’s staff explained to us that all was well. Apparently Governor Newsom always follows a handy tip given to him by Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, regarding what to do in just such an emergency…
He keeps a box of disposable heads in his office.
Petey could not be reached to write the closing commentary for this interview, although the guy who owns his trash-can residence assures us that he’s still pretty pissed off.